More families are living in multi-generational homes than any time since the 1950’s. In this bad economy, as many as 39% of adult children in their 20’s are living at home, many of those returning home after college when they are unable to find a job. And, some of those moving back home are bringing their spouses and children with them after having lost a job and might even be in their 30’s.
Having adult children, biological or step, move back home isn’t optimal, but it is sometimes necessary. It is stressful for everyone involved, but there are things you can do to make it work better.
First, consider the reason why the adult child needs to move back home. If it is due to circumstances beyond their control like the loss of a job, you can be more compassionate than if it is due to irresponsibility and bad choices. This will also help you determine whether or not allowing the child to move home is healthy or unhealthy. It is enabling if it rewards irresponsibility and bad choices and enforces the idea it is okay to continue doing what wasn’t good to begin with.
Second, consider the terms. Sit down with your adult stepchild and spouse and discuss what terms you can offer. This includes whether or not there is rent, chores, expectations about a job, and how long the child can be at home. Having clear terms will help you feel better about the situation and will help your adult stepchild know what needs to be done during that time and how long the opportunity to live at home is available.
Third, discuss the potential stressors. Having adults living together who have all lived alone means that people need to adjust. Discuss schedules, needs, and potential conflicts. Figure out how to make adjustments for everyone that are the least intrusive and upsetting to all involved, but especially you since it is your home. Have a plan that includes being able to bring up problems and irritations to prevent resentments and misunderstandings from building up.
Lastly, be aware that having adult children around can trigger old patterns of behavior you thought were in the past. Relationships are like a dance. When one person takes a step, the other takes a step in response. Without realizing it, you may find yourself feeling the same way about the adult stepchild that you felt about the teenager. You may react in a way that triggers the old dance and then find yourself in an unhealthy all too familiar pattern. Be aware of this and deal with it proactively within yourself and by talking about it with your adult stepchild.
Having an adult stepchild move back home isn’t optimal, but it can work, if it is handled in the right way.
Karla is a regular contributor to Support for Stepdads. Here are a few of her previous posts:
Reconciling with an Estranged Adult Stepchild
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