What do Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle, Kevin Hart, and Paul Mooney have in common? These are some of the funniest black men in comedy. Be prepared to hold your sides while you laugh at some of their funniest jokes and quotes. Enjoy…
Chris Rock
- Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! Cause, you can’t get anybody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can’t get anybody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.
- Married guys know more about women than single guys. Single guys have girlfriends. Girlfriends are always auditioning, always on their best behavior. Wives are like Supreme Court justices. They do whatever the hell they want.
Eddie Murphy
- Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.
- Flowers are the fastest way to a woman’s heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.
- A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. Bear turns to the rabbit and says, “Excuse me, do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur?” The rabbit says, “No.” So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.
Dave Chappelle
- Every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. I’m serious for safety, cuz, when the sh*t goes down, someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
- You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
- Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? I was sittin’ there with my nephew. I turned it on Sesame Street. And I was, like, “Oh, good. Sesame Street. Now he’ll learn how to count and spell.
But now I’m watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people.
That’s right.
They got this one character named Oscar. They treat this guy like sh*t in the entire show. They judge him right to his face. “Oscar, you’re so mean. Isn’t he kids?” “Yeah. Oscar, you’re a grouch!” He’s, like, “(Expletive), I live in a (expletive) trash can! I’m the poorest (expletive) on Sesame Street. Nobody’s helping me.”
Now you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people, like, “Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch.”
Kevin Hart
- “I threw my daughter a party at my house in the backyard…I had SpongeBob there…I got mad at SpongeBob because he kept taking his helmet off and was smoking cigarettes in front of the kids…I was going off…He said, ‘I just got out of jail for aggravated assault.’ As soon as I heard jail, this is what I said: ‘No, you’re not listening. I’m not saying that you can’t smoke. You can smoke. I’m saying just don’t blow it in their face. Just give them a chance to not have cancer…(Expletive), I’ll smoke with you. Give me one.'”
- Ghetto Word of the Day: Cologne. “Ayee bruh, you think you cologne me a dollar.”
- How to get a woman mad in two easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her, 2. Don’t show it to her.
Paul Mooney
- You’re telling me that when I’m a slave, I can be in your house, but now I’m free, “I don’t want you in this neighborhood.” So, you’re saying if slavery came back tomorrow, you’ll just say, “welcome home”?
- I love Obama because he is proof all black people don’t look alike. Nobody ever told me, “Good morning, Mr. President.” We don’t all look alike.
- I don’t want affirmative action – too much affirmative, not enough action.
America’s favorite comedic actress recently celebrated her 99th birthday. Betty White is one of America’s most beloved celebrities. Click here to learn some things you may not know about her.
