For most of us (parents) talking with our kids about sex and their sexuality can be uncomfortable and awkward. Acknowledging these feelings with your child may be helpful in increasing the comfort level of all concerned.
These feelings alone should indicate a need for deliberate planning and advance preparation before these conversations occur. It may also identify the need for you to deal with the “stuff” regarding your own sexuality.
Open and successful conversations about these topics with your child requires maturity, wisdom and goals/objectives. Also, these conversations with your child about sex and their sexuality should be considered continuing dialogs rather than “one and done” monologs.
A few weeks ago, while removing malware from his 13 year old son’s computer, a dad finds numerous porn sites in the browser’s history. The dad is sensitive to his son’s introversion and likely embarrassment so he decides not to speak with his son directly but to write him the following letter.
I want to start out by saying that I love ya and I’m not trying to embarrass you. Before you do anything else click the star in the upper right hand corner of internet explorer which is already pulled up and then click back on the icon to the right of the skype symbol in your toolbar to pull this page back up. —————————————> That history is the reason that you got that scamware and all the other crap on your computer. I want to tell you that it’s ok. Listen, I was 13 once too and it wasn’t so long ago that I don’t remember. I’m not mad or anything. It’s life and I did it too. I just want you to know that most of those sites are places that can and will ruin your computer. You were actually lucky that it only did what it did. There are viruses and other scamware that can completely ruin a computer and I can’t afford to buy you another 1800 dollar machine because you went to a site that fried it.
There are sites that are completely safe and you can go on them and not have your computer turned into a piece of junk. You can go to these sites [the dad lists several porn sites here] and not screw up your computer. Don’t click on any links taking you to other sites and please only go to these. Ninety percent of porn sites have crap that can brick a computer …
Listen, I won’t tell your mom and I’m not gonna make a big deal out of this. In fact I’m not gonna make any size deal out of it. If you don’t wanna talk about it that’s fine and I completely understand. I’ve been on this earth three times as long as you and there’s nothing you have done or will do that I haven’t done before. If you want to completely ignore this ever happened then I can and will do that too. Please don’t act awkward around me because of this. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I just can’t have an 1800 dollar machine turned into a brick because you haven’t learned where to go on the internet. I’m not going to put a child lock on your computer or punish you in any way because as I said you did nothing wrong. I would like you to not be back here so much though. You literally spend all of your time back here. I’d like to see you more often. I like doing stuff with you and miss it.
I love you and I couldn’t be more proud of you.
Cool Dad
This was the approach an anonymous Reddit poster says he took. Cool Dad wrote about the experience, included the note to his son, and asked his fellow Redditors if he did the right thing. Once posted “Cool Dad” received over 6,000 comments.
The post’s popularity moved it to Reddit’s front page where it received over 23,000 thumbs up votes. Redditors feedback ranged from “much better than my parents” to “that has to be the worst possible reaction.”
My Reactions
The Good
- Dad’s demonstration of care and sensitivity in the handling of this incident.
- Dad requesting feedback and advice from Reddit members.
- Expresses his open mindedness and willingness to consider other ideas/opinions.
- Expresses his open mindedness and willingness to consider other ideas/opinions.
- Dad’s desire to avoid embarrassing/shaming his son.
- Embarrassment/shame is a damaging way to get changes to a child’s inappropriate behavior
- Embarrassment/shame focuses on who the child is (who they are as a person) rather than the child’s behavior
- Using embarrassment/shame as a means to control a child’s behavior can leave emotional scars that can be carried well into adulthood
- Embarrassment/shame is a damaging way to get changes to a child’s inappropriate behavior
- Dad reaffirming the love for his son
- Children should know without question there’s nothing they can do to lose the love of their parents.
- Children should know without question there’s nothing they can do to lose the love of their parents.
- Dad’s open and honest communication about his awareness of his son’s absence from spending excessive time in his room on the computer and expressing how he misses doing things with his son.
- No display of phony outrage by his son’s behavior.
- His son’s isolationism is a likely outcome of his behavior; the son’s relationship with his dad as well as others are suffering as a result of his more than likely porn addiction.
The Bad
- Communicating his son did nothing wrong.
- It is illegal for minors under the age of 18 to access porn. It is also illegal for adults to provide porn to minor; classified as a form of sexual abuse. I believe the majority of us would object to adult providing a child with pornographic magazine or DVD but aren’t we essentially doing the same thing by providing our children with unfiltered and unmonitored internet access.
- It is illegal for minors under the age of 18 to access porn. It is also illegal for adults to provide porn to minor; classified as a form of sexual abuse. I believe the majority of us would object to adult providing a child with pornographic magazine or DVD but aren’t we essentially doing the same thing by providing our children with unfiltered and unmonitored internet access.
- Son spending a great deal of time on the computer apparently in isolation from his dad and the rest of the family.
- Uncertainty as to whether the dad ever had a talk with his son regarding his sexuality and porn.
- Uncertainty as to whether the dad ever had a talk with his son regarding his sexuality and porn.
- Apparently no filtering of pornographic and other inappropriate content within the household.
- Dad writing he couldn’t be more proud of his son is a confusing message, if not, mixed message.
- Learning my son has been accessing porn on his computer without restraint would be a moment of disappointment not pride.
- Understand the dad may be stating this to reinforce to his son nothing has changed regarding his feelings toward him.
- A statement from the dad regarding the pride for his son should be reserved for a different time and context.
- Learning my son has been accessing porn on his computer without restraint would be a moment of disappointment not pride.
The Ugly
- Apparently not establishing boundaries with the son’s computer usage prior to the incident.
- Dad providing his son with links to “good” porn sites free of malware and other destructive software.
- I liken this to the dad providing his son with the names of the best drug pushers where he can obtain the best quality drugs.
- Enables/reinforces the son’s behavior – he was just going to the wrong porn sites. His dad’s porn sites are better.
- Dad expressing willingness to act like the incident never happen.
- What is the perceived good from taking this course of action?
- What is the perceived good from taking this course of action?
- Dad communicating he won’t telling his wife about the incident.
- Keeping his son’s secret behavior a secret from his son’s mom is troubling; Mom and Dad should be jointly raising their children.
- Suggest the dad inform his wife of the details of the incident, discuss and reach agreement on the handling of this
- It’s mind boggling the dad would engage complete strangers in cyberspace and yet exclude the next closest person to his son – his mother.
- Dad’s decision elevates the relationship with his son above that of his wife. The Dad’s decision unknowingly creates a crack in marriage foundation breaking down the united front image of the husband and wife especially in the mind of his son. Once the secrets start when will they end?
- Keeping his son’s secret behavior a secret from his son’s mom is troubling; Mom and Dad should be jointly raising their children.
- Dad stating he will not put a lock on his son’s computer nor impose punishment because his son did nothing wrong.
- What about imposing content restrictions and limiting internet access out of a father’s desire to protect his son’s sexuality?
- Dad not considering his son’s behavior a “big deal.” Maybe that what he wants to communicate to his son but the Dad’s behavior seems to communicate the exact opposite.
- Why place on the letter online at Reddit?
- If the son behavior escalates, for example, from browsing porn sites to participating in sex chats or online sex when does it become a big deal?
- Why place on the letter online at Reddit?
The Rest of the Story
What’s Wrong
- A 13 year old boy accessing pornography
- A dad allowing his son uncontrolled and unrestricted internet access
- More concern about the computer hardware than the sexuality of the son
- Dad dealing with issues around his own sexuality
- Our children both boys and girls will eventually be exposed to porn either accidentally or intentionally
God created sex for our pleasure and enjoyment. The enemy of our souls in his effort to pervert everything God created provides us with porn – a false, cheap and damaging substitute. Always available and ready with false promises of intimacy and pleasure. As parents we must take responsibility for what enters our households both physically and electronically.
Most importantly we need to equip our children to be able to make decisions on their own behalf that will protect their hearts and sexuality. Please leave your thoughts in the Comments below. Thanks.
