The late comedian, Rodney Dangerfield, would frequently gripe, “I get no respect” and he wasn’t even a stepfather!   Just like your biological counterpart, as a stepfather you may have to deal with negative behaviors like manipulation, lying, and outright defiance.  However, lacking the “moral authority” to parent as your biological counterpart makes dealing with these nasty behaviors particularly challenging but not insurmountable.  Just because you are the “stepdad” you are not obligated to be family’s doormat.

These are what I consider the essential pieces needed to build a foundation of respect for the stepfather and within the blended family.  To treat the stepfather or any other family member disrespectfully weakens the entire family and makes bonding by the stepfather with his stepchildren difficult, if not impossible.
The Essential Pieces

• Respectful Behavior

• Very important you and your wife are in agreement, obedience and respectful behavior toward you is the required minimum standard.  Additionally, respectful behavior is the standard for all family interactions.

• Discipline 
  • Your wife must be willing to discipline her children each and every time her children speak disrespectfully, ignore, or disobey you.  For her not to do so, is giving her children tacit permission to continue and even escalate their behaviors. 

• Moral Authority
  • Your wife must give you the “moral authority” to parent her children.  Her children need to clearly understand that.  Develop a relationship with the kid’s biological father with the goal of enlisting his support in communicating the same message to his children.  Remember the goal is to raise the children into responsible adults of good character.

• Handling Mistakes
  • Invariably, you will make a mistake by saying and/or doing the wrong thing.  In those instances, your wife must bring these mistakes to your attention privately rather than in front of the children.  Correction in front of the children undermines your authority.  Be sure to follow through by making amends to the child you offended in front of all those present at the time of offense.  Your humility in apologizing will set the example for your family to follow.
    

The next post will address a stepfather’s expectations, setting a great example, and teachable moments.  Please read the book review for Smart Stepfamily, The: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family .

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