Just before completing my work on the aerobics machine, I noticed a young woman perhaps in her early twenties wearing a familiar black sweatshirt. The shirt proudly displayed the words “Nebraska Cornhuskers.”
Like a magnet, as a Bay Area resident, I’m always drawn to anyone wearing something related to my beloved home state. I walked up to the woman and asked if she was from Nebraska.
“No,” she said, “My mother’s husband is.” My ears perked with her response. Why did she say her mother’s husband?
Why didn’t she say, “My stepdad is?” I felt her answer reflected some emotional distance between her and her stepdad.
Maybe her stepdad came late enough into her life that there wasn’t any significant bonding. I suspect her stepdad wasn’t a jerk or she probably wouldn’t be wearing his sweater.
Yet her answer reflected a degree of separation perhaps justified not knowing the details but if you’ve been a stepdad for a significant time, do you want to be referred to as, “My Mother’s Husband?”
If you want to be known by your stepkids as, “My Stepdad” keeping reading to learn how.
Getting along and establishing a relationship based on mutual respect with your stepchildren is essential for the success of your union. Many stepdads are uncertain about how to begin bonding with their stepkids, but you could start with these tips.
Time and Patience
A new home is often stressful for a stepchild. Expect your stepchild to feel as though their lives have been turned upside down. Emotions like anger, anxiety and loneliness often plague them.
Notwithstanding, with a lot of love and patience, you can create a loving bond with your stepchild. Patience is an important factor in ensuring your stepchild gets comfortable in the new home. Also, let your stepchild set the pace of the relationship with you.
In instances where the previous relationship ended in a divorce or death, it’s necessary to let the child grieve. It’s normal for some children to believe there’s hope for reconciliation after a divorce and regard you as a stumbling block.
Don’t despair if your relationship with them remains superficial. Give it time and allow your stepkid to steer the course of the relationship.
Encourage Solo Outing
When your relationship with your stepchild becomes cordial, you can suggest an outing for just the two of you. This is a great way to bond and get to know your stepchild without interference.
It would be best if you settled for any activity you can both enjoy and talk about later. This could be anything from bowling, an arcade, a play, or a movie.
However, choose an outing that is budget-friendly, so in the future, your stepchild doesn’t get disappointed from a less expensive outing.
Show Interest, Support, and Love
It’s okay if you don’t love your stepchildren immediately. Start by establishing a relationship and showing interest in what they love. In time, a unique bond will surely be formed.
There are several ways you can show interest and support in your step kid’s life. Showing up at a school performance or sports game is a great place to start. You could also assist with homework and projects.
Let them know you are always available to listen and talk. This will not only make them feel more comfortable in their new home but will help them form a long-lasting relationship with you.
Be Cordial with the Biological Dad
Children tend to struggle with conflicting emotions and may begin to feel disloyalty to their biological dad. Such feelings of disloyalty can be manifested as anger or hostility.
Your ability to recognize and handle such emotions with maturity in spite of how hurt you may feel will eventually solidify your bond with your stepchild. Being civil with the ‘other parent’ can dampen their feeling of disloyalty.
Make pickups and drop-offs as civil as possible. Also, make it clear you are not trying to replace their biological dad regardless of the bond you share.
Treat your Biological Kids and Stepkids Equally
If you want a healthy relationship with your step kid, you should treat them the same way you would your biological child. Giving preferential treatment to your kids will not go unnoticed for long. In no time, not only your step kids but your spouse will begin to resent your actions.
The age of your stepchild plays a significant role in how easy or difficult bonding may be. Typically, it’s more challenging to bond with teenagers so don’t get discouraged by their lack of responsiveness to your efforts.
This can all be a bit tricky in the beginning and here are some of the causes of relationship conflict in a blended family. However, given time, patience and genuine interest; you will get the hang of it.
Finally, it would help if you found the right balance between being a coach and another authority figure in your stepkid’s life.
