Bartenders are known by many titles: barkeep, barman, barmaid, tapster, or mixologist. Their responsibilities are much more than making and serving alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks behind the bar. They include:
- Welcoming customers providing drink menus
- Taking orders from the waiter staff or customers
- Making sure patrons are the legal drinking age
- Diplomatically handling customers who’ve had too much to drink
- Preparing checks and processing payments
- Monitoring and maintaining the bar inventory
- Making sure the bar glasses, bar equipment, and working areas are clean
In terms of soft skills, bartenders must be effective communicators, composed, friendly, and organized. What impresses me the most about bartenders is their ability to remember the vast number of available drinks, in addition, to remembering customers’ names and their favorite drinks.
I’ve heard they are more jokes about bartenders and bars than any other profession. I hope you enjoy the few I was able to get.
1. A neutron walks into a bar. It asks, “How much for a beer?” The bartender says. “For you? No charge.”
2. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
3. Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out!”, shouts the bartender, we don’t serve your type here.
4. E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
5. A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” The bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
6. A screwdriver rolls into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip??”
7. What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? Olive or Twist?
8. A hen walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve chicken here, but there’s a place across the road.”
9. A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder. The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?” “France,” the kitty says, “they’ve got millions of them!”
10. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers in a V, and says, “Five beers please”.
11. A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?” The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
12. A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry. We don’t serve food here.”
13. A Weasel walks into a bar the bartender says “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?” “Pop”, goes the weasel.
14. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
15. Why didn’t the bartender serve the snake? Because he couldn’t hold his beer.
16. Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world? A bartender, my boy.
17. A blind man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bartender replies with, “I’m blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde.” Then says “Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?” the blind guy responds with “No, I don’t wanna tell it that many times.
18. So a mushroom walks in a bar and the bartender says, “You can’t be here.” and the mushroom says, “Why not I’m a Fungi.”
19. A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts, and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew,” the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.” “You would be too if you had what I have.” “What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked. “Fifty cents.”
20. A man came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. “Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!” “What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”
The USBG Bartender Emergency Assistance Program is offering grants to bartenders affected by the virus. You don’t need to be a USBG member to apply. You can also contribute to the program by clicking here.
