December 15 through the 24th represents the heart of the Christmas shopping season, accounting for 40% of holiday business. Contrary to popular belief the busiest shopping day of the year is not Black Friday, but the Saturday before Christmas.
The busiest online shopping day occurs on Monday or Tuesday a week or two before the week of Christmas. I hope these Christmas shopping jokes and one-liners add some joy to holiday shopping.
1. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.
2. There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
3. Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
4. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
5. A husband and wife are Christmas shopping at a busy mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed her husband was missing. Since they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell.
The wife said, ” Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn’t afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well, I’m in the bar next door to that.”
6. So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose, and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera. Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.
7. I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, “Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?” He said, “Aisle B, back.”
8. If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I take a size large in student loans.
9. Before buying Christmas gifts for your friend’s children, ask them what they like because it’ll make your life easier.
For example, I asked my friend’s daughter what she was into and she said “anything Frozen” so I bought her a bag of peas and some Pizza Pockets. Easiest Christmas shopping ever!
10. WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.
11. I’ve bought my wife a fridge for Christmas: I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
12. The main thing I want this Christmas is for someone to wake me up when it’s all over.
13. Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks?
14. I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!
15. It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?” Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant. “That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.
This Christmas, deck the halls with boughs of holly – and bouts of laughter! These Santa Claus puns will make you and your friend’s faces light up like a Christmas tree. With these puns – yule be sure to make everyone smile.
About the author
In 1995, Gerardo Campbell married into a blended family, becoming the stepdad to his wife’s two children. In 2011, he started Support for Stepfathers to reverse the nearly 70% divorce rate for blended families in the US. His website is to help and inspire stepfathers, aspiring stepfathers, and the women who love them. You can follow Support for Stepdads on
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