What Stepkids Wish Their Stepfathers Knew
An Honest Letter about Trust, Healing, and Family
Dear Stepdad
We need you to hear our hearts. We may not say it out loud, but as your stepchildren, there are so many things we wish you understood. Blending a family isn’t easy for any of us – it’s messy, emotional, and often complicated.
In this letter, we speak as Christian stepkids from various ages and experiences. We want to be vulnerable and honest about our real-life tensions and longings. Please listen with an open heart. What we share comes from pain and hope, grounded in love and faith.
Understanding Our Wounds and Walls
You came into our lives after we’d already been through a lot. Many of us carry wounds from what came before you – whether it was a painful divorce, the death of a parent, or years of living in a single-parent home. We built walls to protect ourselves. When you first arrived, we might have seemed distant, angry, or even downright hostile.
It wasn’t really about you. It was about our hurt and fear. We weren’t sure we could trust you yet because others we’d depended on had let us down or disappeared.
We wish you knew our resistance often hides our pain. The anger or indifference you saw was sometimes a mask for sadness and insecurity. We didn’t get to choose this new family situation, and adjusting has been hard. Some of us felt caught in a loyalty bind – loving you felt like being disloyal to our biological dad.
If we acted like we didn’t want you around, it’s probably because we were confused or hurting. Please don’t take those early rejections personally. Behind our walls, we actually long for stability and love, but we needed time to see you weren’t going to give up on us.
The Longing Beneath Our Defiance
Despite our tough exteriors, what we really crave is acceptance and reassurance. We secretly hope you will keep trying, even when we act like we don’t care. Every child wants to feel loved and wanted. As stepkids, we often wonder: Do I truly matter to my stepdad? We need to know that you see us as more than an “add-on” to your marriage – that you value a relationship with us, not just with our mom.
We wish you knew how much those little gestures mean to us. Even when we acted like we didn’t notice or didn’t want you involved, your persistence was quietly chipping away at our doubts. Every time you asked how our day was, helped with homework, or remembered our birthday, it sent a simple but powerful message: “You matter to me.”
Sometimes, stepkids test you by pushing limits, to see if you’ll stick around. We’re watching, hoping you’ll prove your love is genuine and not easily scared off. When you stay steady through our storms, it’s slowly teaching us we can trust you.
Earning Trust Through Patience and Presence
Trust doesn’t come easy for us – it has to be earned through consistent love over time. We know it’s not easy for you either. You stepped into an already-made family with its own history, inside jokes, and sensitive spots. You might have felt like an outsider at first. We saw that, and honestly, some of us felt bad about it even if we didn’t say so. But the truth is, we needed proof of your commitment before we could lower our guard.
Be patient with us, Stepdad. We notice more than we admit. Over time, many of us have seen your quiet sacrifices. Maybe you’ve worked extra hours to provide for us, or given up a weekend to drive us to our friends’ houses.
Maybe you learned to cook our favorite breakfast, or sat through those awkward school concerts. Those actions build trust. They show us you’re here for us, not just because of Mom.
Remember that building a bond is a two-way street. We know we haven’t made it easy for you to love us. We probably frustrated you at times – maybe we ignored your advice or rejected your affection. The Bible’s wisdom speaks right into these struggles:
Another verse puts it this way:
We’re not your biological children, but we are the children God has placed in your life. We ask that you not provoke us or give up on us when we’re difficult. Instead, keep guiding us gently in the Lord’s ways. When you correct us, please do it with love and fairness so that we won’t lose heart.
It means so much when you discipline with patience. Harsh words or comparisons (“I don’t act like your real dad” or “Why can’t you just accept me?”) only make us shut down more. But when you set rules calmly and follow through consistently, we learn to respect you. When you listen to our side of the story instead of assuming we’re wrong, we feel seen. Slowly but surely, your steady presence teaches us that you’re a man we can depend on.
We See More Than We Say (Appreciation Unspoken)
Here’s something we rarely say out loud: we do appreciate you. At first, we might have been determined not to. We might have thought it was disloyal to our biological dad to acknowledge the good things you do.
But your love has a way of breaking through. Over time, even the most stubborn of us have caught ourselves thinking, “He really didn’t have to do that for me… but he did.”
Maybe you’ve noticed it in small ways. Remember when you first came to our parent-teacher conference? We acted like we didn’t care, but later that night, we bragged to a friend that our stepdad came.
Or that time you taught us how to tie a tie or change a tire – we might have shrugged it off, but inside we were proud to learn from you. You have become a real father figure, even if we don’t call you “Dad.” Sometimes you are exactly what we need, even if we were slow to admit it.
Your role in our lives is unique. You’re not replacing anyone, yet you’ve filled a place in our hearts that we never knew we needed. When you show up consistently and care about us, you become an incredible ally and advocate.
We start to see you’re for us, not against us. We notice when you defend us or speak well of us to others. It makes us stand a little taller knowing you have our back.
Even your marriage to our mom, which at first might have made us feel insecure, has become a source of comfort when done right. By loving our mother well, you show us what a healthy marriage can look like.
You “have showed me how a man is supposed to treat the woman he loves,” one grateful stepchild wrote of her stepdad[3]. When we see you treat Mom with respect, patience, and Christ-like love, it builds our respect for you and gives us a model for our own future relationships. Thank you for loving her – and us – so faithfully.
Faith, Family, and Finding Our Way
We’re writing from a Christian perspective because our faith is important to us (or at least to our mom, which likely means it’s essential in our home). As our stepfather, you have a special role in our spiritual lives.
We long for you to be a faith leader – to gently lead our blended family closer to God. Even if we don’t say it, we take cues from you. When you pray with us or go to church with us, it leaves a deep impression. It shows that following Jesus is not just “Mom’s thing” – it’s a family thing.
Maybe you feel awkward or unsure about stepping into that spiritual leader role, especially if we weren’t very receptive at first. But please know, your efforts matter eternally. The Bible speaks of a man named Joseph – Jesus’ earthly stepfather, in a sense – who embraced a child that wasn’t biologically his. Joseph raised Jesus with love and faith.
In fact, Scripture hints at how well he did this: during Jesus’ ministry, people even referred to Jesus as “Joseph’s son”[4]. Joseph so fully accepted Jesus as his own that the world saw Jesus as his child. What a beautiful example!
Likewise, we hope and pray you will embrace us wholeheartedly. Treat us as your own, so much so that others can see the bond. The most precious thing you could ever give us is the knowledge that we truly belong and are fully loved in this family.
Remember, as Christians we believe family is more than blood – it’s built on love and promise. After all, God has made us His children by adoption through Christ.
“He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will” (Ephesians 1:5, NIV)[5].
That means love makes a family, and God Himself models this by adopting us. In the same way, when you chose to marry our mom, you chose to embrace us. We became bone of your bone, not by blood, but by commitment and love.
We believe God “sets the lonely in families” for a reason (Psalm 68:6, NIV)[6] – perhaps we were lonely, and He knew you could be the answer to our prayers,
and often He shows that fatherly care by sending a stepdad like you into our lives. Please, never underestimate the eternal impact you have by simply being present and reflecting God’s love in our home.
And yes, God’s love is the key. We need you to love us with that agape love described in Scripture – the kind that is patient and kind.
“Love is patient, love is kind… it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:4–5, NIV)[8].
When you show us that kind of love, especially on our worst days, you mirror Christ to us. Your compassion can help heal our hearts.
“As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him” (Psalm 103:13, NIV)[9].
We have seen glimpses of God’s compassion through your tenderness – like when you forgave us after a major blow-up or comforted us during a personal struggle. Those moments are building our faith, whether you realize it or not. They teach us that if you can stick with us and love us through thick and thin, maybe God can too.
A Call to Compassion and Servant-Hearted Leadership
Finally, we want you to know that we respect you – probably more than we’ve ever expressed. We see the load you carry as the stepdad. You stepped into a role that comes with all the responsibilities of fatherhood, often with little thanks. We acknowledge that and are grateful.
Now, we lovingly challenge you to go even further: we need you to lead, not with an iron fist, but with a servant’s heart. Jesus taught that the most outstanding leaders are those who serve (Mark 10:42–45). We’re asking you to lead our family in that spirit.
Lead with compassion, understanding we’re still growing and healing. Choose servant-hearted leadership – the kind Jesus modeled when He washed His disciples’ feet in love and humility. That might look like initiating family prayer even if it feels awkward, or apologizing when you get something wrong (those two powerful words, “I’m sorry,” can tear down so many walls).
It looks like putting our needs on your radar even as you rightfully prioritize your marriage. It means listening first, speaking with gentleness, and sacrificing for our good. When you lead like that, you win not just our obedience, but our hearts.
We know we haven’t made your journey easy. But please believe this: your labor is not in vain. Every act of love, every moment of patience, every prayer you’ve prayed for us – they matter. You are helping shape our picture of what a father is meant to be. Over time, we’re beginning to understand the incredible truth that family can be a place of redemption and grace.
God is using you to restore what was broken in us. As Scripture promises, He can
We see that happening slowly in our home. Our hearts are turning toward you, Stepdad, because of your faithful love.
So keep showing up. Keep praying for us and with us. Keep believing God placed you in our lives for a purpose. We may have been reluctant gifts, but we are your inheritance in the Lord. Love us as Christ loves us, and you will not fail. In time, we, the stepchildren, will rise and call you blessed for the role you’ve played. Some of us already feel it in our hearts.
Thank you for reading this letter and letting us share our perspective. We hope it helps you understand us better. We truly want our relationship to flourish. With God’s help, it will.
With love, honesty, and hope,
Your Stepchildren
P.S. We’re rooting for you, even on the days it seems like we’re not. God bless you for all you do for our family. Keep the faith – your reward in our lives (and in heaven) will be great.
Start the Conversation Today
If this letter stirred something in your heart, don’t ignore it. Choose one small step this week—listen without defending, pray with your stepchild, or show up again. Healing in blended families rarely happens all at once, but it does begin with one faithful act of love.
👉 Ten bonding activities for stepdads and kids sure to help a stepdad to connect with their stepchild’s heart..
[1] Ephesians 6:4 NIV: Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
https://biblehub.com/niv/ephesians/6-4.htm
[2] Colossians 3:21 NIV: Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
https://biblehub.com/niv/colossians/3-21.htm
[3] An Open Letter To My Stepdad | The Odyssey Online
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/an-open-letter-to-stepdads
[4] AS I SEE IT — Honoring Joseph and effective stepfathers – MS Christian Living
https://mschristianliving.com/as-i-see-it-honoring-joseph-and-effective-stepfathers/
[5] Ephesians 1:5 He predestined us for adoption as His sons through Jesus Christ, according to the good pleasure of His will,
https://biblehub.com/ephesians/1-5.htm
[6] Psalm 68:6 God settles the lonely in families; He leads the prisoners out to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a sun-scorched land.
https://biblehub.com/psalms/68-6.htm
[7] Psalm 68:5 NIV: A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
https://biblehub.com/niv/psalms/68-5.htm
[8] 1 Corinthians 13 NIV
https://biblehub.com/niv/1_corinthians/13.htm
[9] Psalm 103:13 As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.
https://biblehub.com/psalms/103-13.htm
[10] Malachi 4:6 And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers. Otherwise, I will come and strike the land with a curse.”
https://biblehub.com/malachi/4-6.htm
