Navigating The Storm: Dealing With High-Conflict Exes And Co-Parenting Battles

Tanya and the Unseen War

Every time Greg dropped off his daughter at her mom, Tanya’s, house, it felt like walking into a battlefield. No matter how polite he was, Tanya found something to criticize. “She’s wearing that?” or “Why are you always late?”

Even when Greg arrived early, she accused him of trying to interfere. The tension bled into his marriage with Lisa, and even though she wasn’t the biological mother, she often found herself caught in the crossfire.

Greg wasn’t dealing with disagreements—he was dealing with hostility, manipulation, and emotional sabotage. And he’s not alone.

Understanding the High-Conflict Ex

A high-conflict ex may be manipulative, combative, or uncooperative—making co-parenting extremely difficult. Traits often include:

• Frequent criticism or personal attacks

• Gaslighting or distortion of past events

• Refusing to follow parenting agreements

• Turning children against the other parent (parental alienation)

Dr. Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist, notes:

Communication Strategies: The BIFF Method

When engaging with a high-conflict co-parent, your words matter. Use the BIFF technique developed by Bill Eddy (co-founder of the High Conflict Institute):

• Brief: Keep messages short

• Informative: Stick to facts, avoid opinions

• Friendly: Maintain a polite tone

• Firm: Don’t invite more debate

Embrace Parallel Parenting

If cooperative co-parenting isn’t possible, parallel parenting can reduce conflict:

• Limit direct interaction between exes.

• Use shared calendars and apps for communication (like OurFamilyWizard)

• Could you keep transitions neutral and brief?

• Could you set up clear, written agreements?

Set Boundaries and Prioritize your Marriage

Unaddressed ex-drama can quietly erode your marriage. Claudette Chenevert, “The Stepmom Coach,” writes:

“Protect your peace by keeping your relationship sacred—don’t allow your ex or your partner’s ex to dominate your energy.”

Together, decide:

• How much access does the ex have to your home/life?

• What conversations are off-limits

• Who handles what responsibilities?

Shielding the Children

Children thrive on stability and consistency. Never:

• Badmouth the ex in front of them.

• Force them to take sides.

• You can use them as messengers.

Instead:

• Focus on being a safe, supportive presence..

• Keep your promises

• Let your actions build trust over time

Don’t Go it Alone

Find support through:

• Blended family Facebook groups or forums like r/stepparents on Reddit

• Faith-based counseling

• Trusted mentors or community groups

You’re not weak for needing help. You’re wise.

Reflection & Prayer

Use these questions to examine your situation with faith and purpose:

1. Have I honestly let go of the need to “win” or prove a point in co-parenting battles?

   “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.” ~ Romans 12:17 (NIV)

2. What boundaries can I put in place to protect my peace and my marriage?

3. Am I modeling grace, patience, and emotional maturity to the children involved?

   “Set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” ~ 1 Timothy 4:12 (NIV)

4. How can I pray for the high-conflict ex—even if it’s difficult?

   “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” ~ Matthew 5:44 (NIV)

5. What step will I take this week to bring peace into my home?

We’d love to hear your story

Have you walked this difficult road? Leave a Comment and help others navigate similar waters. And don’t forget to explore more tools for thriving in blended family life at Support for Stepdads.

About the author

In 1995, Gerardo became a stepdad to two children, a boy and a girl, ages 14 and 10. In 2011, he started the website Support for Stepfathers to reverse the nearly 70% divorce rate for blended families in the United States. His website is to help and inspire stepfathers, aspiring stepfathers, and the women who love them worldwide. You can follow Support for Stepdads on Twitter and Facebook.