Why Do Kids Hate Their Stepparents? Understanding Grief And Building Connection
Understanding Grief, Resentment, and Healing in Blended Families
Understanding why children struggle with stepparents takes time, and that’s why we’ve created this helpful series. This post is the second in the series, “Why Do Kids Hate Their Stepparents?” If you haven’t read the first article yet, I encourage you to check it out. It explores loyalty binds and offers practical ways to build healthier stepfamily relationships. Read Part One here.
Resentment and hatred towards stepparents isn’t always about resentment! That might sound a little surprising, but it’s something every stepparent needs to understand. Children—and yes, even adults—often struggle to put their real feelings into words. Sometimes resentment is actually grief in disguise.
To a child, a stepdad may become a symbol of what they’ve lost: the original family, familiar routines, or even the dream that their parents might reconcile. Even the kindest gesture can be misunderstood if the child sees your presence as a reminder life has changed for good.
Understanding resentment can mask grief helps take some of the sting out of those painful moments. This isn’t about blaming you or excusing rudeness; it’s about shifting perspective. When you recognize your stepchild’s hurt for what it truly is, everything changes. It creates space for patience, empathy, and a better path forward.
Grief and the Stepfamily
Grief isn’t always a response to death. It’s a response to loss, and no matter how much a divorce might have been necessary, something was still lost. To a child, it might feel like everything was lost. The grief may stem from divorce, estrangement, or simply the loss of what once felt safe and whole.
Some kids mourn the absence of a parent they no longer see every day. Others feel the sting of lost rituals, like bedtime stories or family movie nights that disappeared when the old household ended. And then there are children who grieve an imagined future: the hope their parents would someday get back together.
This kind of sorrow is complex, and kids just will not say “I’m grieving,” even to themselves. They’re kids, not psychiatrists! Grief is a heavy emotion, especially for children who often lack the language or emotional tools to express it.
Instead of saying “I’m sad my family changed,” a child might lash out or isolate, because anger feels safer or more powerful than sadness. Recognizing these behaviors as signs of mourning, rather than rejection, can help you as a stepparent respond with more compassion and less confusion.
How Grief Manifests as Resentment
When a child feels loss but doesn’t know how to process it, the grief can harden into resentment. Instead of crying about what’s missing, they might slam a door, roll their eyes, or refuse to speak to you.
A child who misses having both parents together may express it through rebellion or icy silence. Even small reminders of change, like a new dinner routine, different furniture, or your place at the table, can reopen old wounds.
Some children cling to the past because it offers a sense of control. They might constantly compare you to their other parent or insist that “Mom never did it that way.” Others might idealize the absent parent while casting you as the intruder.
You may also see behavioral changes that you can’t really explain; for example, one Reddit user noticed that her stepchild’s behavior completely reverted around his biomom, making the stepmom seem like she didn’t know how to raise a child– even when in their day to day life, the stepson behaved appropriately. Their actions may seem irrational, but underneath the defiance is often a simple truth: they’re hurting.
Triggering Grief
Certain moments can reawaken grief unexpectedly. Holidays and birthdays, for example, often highlight the family they no longer have. Seeing you decorate a tree or light candles can stir up memories of when both parents were there. Milestones like school concerts or family vacations can do the same.
Your very presence in daily life might also bring up conflicting feelings. Something as small as pouring cereal in the morning can feel like a disruption to a child who remembers Mom or Dad doing that job. To them, the change isn’t minor; it’s a sign the past is gone.
As one Quora user pointed out, “some stepchildren can’t help resenting a person who is taking the place that is meant for a biological parent.” That’s what you want to avoid– them feeling like you’re a replacement. Your presence changes things, but it doesn’t change the past.
Even happy events complicate things. A fun outing or shared laugh can stir guilt: “Am I betraying my real parent by enjoying time with my stepdad?” Children rarely voice these inner conflicts, yet they strongly shape how they relate to you.
Support Without Overstepping
So what can you do? The most effective support often looks quiet and steady. Show up consistently. Be kind without expecting affection in return. Offer your presence, not pressure. One of the most healing things you can do is give the child space to feel all their feelings, without judgment.
We call this “holding space.” It means you let children talk and process their thoughts and emotions without judgment. Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything; just let them talk while you’re fully present and listening.
Now, this doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Your feelings are important, too! But what it does mean is recognizing that grief takes time, and trust takes even longer. Let your partner (the child’s biological parent) take the lead in discipline and family decisions early on.
Meanwhile, you can build a connection through low-pressure activities: watching a show together, playing catch, or simply being in the same room without pushing conversation. Let the child know, when appropriate, it’s okay to feel sad or confused. Statements like “I’m not replacing anyone” or “I know things are different now, and I’m here if you ever want to talk” can help lower their emotional guard over time.
When Grief Is Too Big
Sometimes, a child’s grief overwhelms the entire family system. If your stepchild is expressing deep sadness, intense anger, or refusing to engage at all, it may be time to seek outside help. A family therapist can provide a neutral space for the child to express their emotions and for the adults to learn supportive responses.
You may also benefit from counseling on your own, especially if you’re struggling to cope with rejection. Stepfamilies are hard work, and nobody can carry the emotional load alone. Support groups, both online and in person, can also be incredibly validating. Sometimes, just knowing that other stepparents have faced similar struggles is enough to help you stay grounded and give you ideas about what to do next.
Remember, your job isn’t to fix your stepchild’s grief; it’s to be a steady, compassionate presence as the child works through it. It won’t always be easy; you won’t always get it right, and some days will feel like setbacks. But healing is possible, and connection can grow in the most unexpected ways.
This is just the beginning of understanding why kids may resent their stepparents. In Part Three of this series, we’ll dive deeper into practical ways to build trust and connection. Stay tuned—you won’t want to miss it!
