Stepfathers And The Two Most Important Virtues

Have you heard of the adage God doesn’t give you what you want, but He always gives you what you need? I grew up in a home where forgiveness was rarely mentioned and much less practiced. 

Recognizing my need to develop this skill and acknowledging His sense of humor, I found myself in a blended family – a 24/7 Forgiveness laboratory requiring Patience 101, 202, and 303 as prerequisites. 

If you’re a stepparent in a blended family, forgiveness and patience are the two most important virtues you need in abundance.  

That said, forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts in human relations. The majority of us need a shared understanding of who forgiveness is for. 

The fundamental misunderstanding of forgiveness is that we think forgiveness is something we do for the other person who has harmed us because we are morally superior to them or are self-sacrificing and generous. Yours truly has been hurt by those closest to me, and I’ve struggled to excuse what’s been done. 

Can you identify? At the time, I felt excusing the offense was somehow communicating the offender wasn’t responsible for their actions, but thankfully, I’ve learned otherwise.

I’ll continue by focusing on what forgiveness is not:

Approval 

Forgiveness is not approval of what they did. It’s not saying, “Well, it’s okay. Nobody’s perfect. Everybody makes a mistake,” or “It’s not really a big deal. Worse things have happened.” No, it is a big deal.

A One-time Event

It’s not like you forgive someone and it’s over. Sometimes, they keep offending, so you need to keep forgiving. You can also forgive them, but you can also be emotionally triggered, and you need to forgive all over again. 

Waiting for an Apology

I hate to break it to you, but some people will never apologize – you must forgive them before they apologize. 

Excusing

Excusing what they did. We excuse a person who is not to blame. We forgive because a wrong is committed.

Justifying

Accepting what they did does not give permission to continue hurtful behaviors, nor does it condone the behavior in the past or future.

Pardoning

what they did: Pardoning is a legal transaction that releases an offender from the consequences of their action, like a penalty or sentence. We can forgive the perpetrator yet still expect them to experience the consequences of their offense. 

Reconciliation

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not always the same. The person you forgive may not want to see or talk to you. We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving or whether to maintain our distance. 

Denying

Living in denial about what they did. “It didn’t happen. I forgot all about it. Somehow, I just moved on. I pretend like it never happened. I didn’t let it affect me.” That’s not true – it did happen, and we need to remember the lesson(s) learned without holding onto the pain.

Blindness

 to what happened. Willful blindness and repression are slightly different. Blindness is a conscious choice to pretend an offense did not occur, while repression is usually unconscious and involuntary. Both are wrong and can be psychologically damaging. 

Forgetting

Forgive and forget is equated with true forgiveness, but it’s usually impossible to forget meaningful events in our lives, whether positive or negative. What’s more realistic is choosing to overlook offenses.

Refusing

Refusal to take the wrong seriously. We cannot truly forgive until we see clearly the offense we’re forgiving and understand its seriousness.

Pretending

Acting like we are not hurt. It’s silly to think we should have to keep a stiff upper lip when we’ve been injured by a stepchild’s behavior, betrayed by a spouse, molested, or unfairly criticized.

Forgiveness is all about you and not the offender. Choosing forgiveness is setting yourself free from the past so you no longer have control over your thoughts or feelings. 

While forgiving may not always be easy, holding on to resentments and grudges is even more stressful. Forgiveness is a gift – start by giving yourself this gift today!

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About the author

In 1995, Gerardo Campbell married his now ex-wife, becoming the stepdad to her two children. He started Support for Stepfathers in 2011 to reverse the nearly 70% divorce rate for blended families in the US. His website is to help and inspire stepfathers, aspiring stepfathers, and the women who love them worldwide. You can follow Support for Stepdads on Twitter and Facebook.