I regularly wonder about my son Nathaniel’s hearing since I repeat myself nearly a hundred times if I expect him to do what I tell him: “Get off the Xbox. Hang up your clothes. Pick up the trash off the floor.” He may not listen to me, but I’m only fooling myself to think he isn’t watching me.
You may be their stepdad, but your children are still watching you. As a parent, I get concerned about what my son Nathaniel sees and experiences while watching television, playing Call of Duty Black Ops, or surfing the internet, but I realize he also has another view of the world.
It’s what he sees and hears daily as a member of my household. I can turn off the TV and limit his time on the Xbox, but it doesn’t change how he is influenced by what he observes and experiences in and around his family.
Whatever your family form – single parent, stepfamily, nuclear family, or grandparent raising your grandchildren- children are soaking up how you respond to them, how you live, what you do in a crisis, and how you love.
It’s their view from the back seat, not what we hope to or want to present but what our children see when we aren’t looking. Some of what he’s picking up from watching me is positive, and some he learns from me is not.
Reflect on your Childhod
What was your view from the back seat? How has it shaped you as a parent? Do you remember your parents holding hands or being affectionate?
Did your mom sit close to your Dad in the car’s front seat? Did they talk, sing, or laugh? Perhaps you also have some not-so-great memories. Many remember fights or arguments between your parents.
Some memories are downright disturbing, like parents talking about divorce or one parent leaving the house. It is not usual for us to think, “When I grow up, I want to be just like…” or “When I grow up, I will never …”
Children learn about life, love, and relationships by watching their parents. Children are very similar to puppies; they grow up, get bigger, and lose a lot of their original cuteness as they leave the toddler years and enter the teenage and college years.
The good news is that you and their mother are uniquely positioned to affect and shape their lives more than anyone else. The bad news is the same thing. Every little thing, and I mean every little thing you say or do or don’t say or do, has an effect.
Did you hear that? That means it all matters, gentlemen, from infancy to early adulthood and beyond. So beware! We either blaze a worthy trail for them to follow, or they turn out exactly how we showed them to be.
What are your children learning from watching you? Take some time to think about this. Is there anything you see them doing that you can celebrate as a job well done? And what do you know that you want to model differently?
So what do your children see when you are not looking? What are they learning about life and love? You’re a role model even when you don’t want to be. How to thrive as a new stepdad.
