Three Ways You Can Become A Great Stepfather

To be a great stepfather requires maturity, perseverance, and commitment. Underlying these attributes must be a strong marriage with unity of purpose regarding raising the children between the husband and wife.

Only a singular agreement will weaken the stepfather’s role within the family. While each stepfamily has unique dynamics and circumstances, you can do three things to ensure you’re a great stepfather.

Focus on Your Marriage

Statistics show one of the leading causes of divorce in blended families is the stress of stepparenting. As much as possible, focus on your wife and marriage, not the children.

This will ultimately benefit everyone, including the children. If the children see love, respect, and open communication between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and may even learn to model those qualities.

Remember early on that your stepchildren might not necessarily consider this a positive. They may be threatened by it. Some children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile will find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it.

Taking good care of their mom will help the children like you and even love you the fastest. Set aside “alone time” with your wife by making regular dates. Take their mother out to do what she loves doing, and occasionally, invite the children to join in.

A fun event for everyone is an excellent catalyst for developing your relationship with the children. Be sensitive to your wife, who is also a mom, and there will be times when she will have to help or spend time with her child when you would like her to be spending time with you.

Finally, never put your wife in a situation where she has to choose between you or her children. She will always choose her child.

Practice Patience and More Patience

Take your time when joining a blended family. It is a complex family built out of a loss from death or divorce, resulting in the breakup of the first family. Don’t expect your stepfamily to work like a biological family.

Given time, close, loving relationships between all family members may develop, but it also might never happen. It takes time to create shared goals and values and establish family history and traditions.

Don’t set yourself up by expecting a close, loving relationship with or acknowledgment and appreciation from your stepchildren. This may not happen for many years.

While you cannot expect instant attachment or love, you can expect to be treated respectfully. Model respectful behavior towards your stepchildren and let them see you set the example. Encourage trust by never commenting negatively about the biological parent or siblings around your stepchildren.

Many stepfathers make the mistake of establishing authority over their stepchildren too early, and the children will resent it! Let their mother handle the issues early on, but be on the watch for opportunities where you can step in and allow them to build some trust in you.

This can transpire through casual conversations where you will enable them to open up and share their feelings with you. Present a unified parenting approach to the kids – arguing or disagreeing in front of them may encourage them to try to come between you.

Relationship with Your Stepchildren

Talk to the children’s mother about your role and ensure both parties understand and are in agreement. At least initially, your part is more of a friend or mentor rather than a disciplinarian.

Communicate to your stepchildren you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place. Let the biological (custodial) parent remain primarily responsible for discipline until you develop solid bonds with the kids.

Create a list of family rules. Discuss the rules with the children and post them in a prominent place. This may diminish custodial parent-stepparent-stepchild tension. Try to understand the rules and boundaries for the kids in their other residence, and be consistent.

A significant number of stepchildren will have a hard time accepting you and will often defy your decisions and cause all kinds of problems within your blended family. During these times, it’s important to remember it’s not about you.

Your stepchildren’s adverse reactions to stepparents are about the child’s losses, not yours. Keep your expectations low -your stepchildren may not respect or hold you in high regard. Remember, they didn’t have a choice as to divorce and remarry.

The drastic changes they are going through need to be met with realistic expectations and understanding. Be approachable and accessible to your stepchildren.

Being a great stepfather will require you to have your own support and feedback system. You shouldn’t expect your stepchildren to thank you for the role you played in their life. I suggest viewing being a stepfather as a job where you establish measures for your effectiveness.

Additionally, I recommend finding another stepfather you can be accountable to and support each other.