The following are answers I gave to various questions I received on Quora.
What Should you Never say to your Stepmother?
Most stepmothers unselfishly invest themselves emotionally, physically, and financially to raise a child that isn’t their own. Now imagine the impact when, in a fit of anger or frustration, their stepchild tells their Stepmother, “You’re not my mom!”
I suspect a stepmother hearing this from their stepchild is the equivalent of them spitting in their face. “You’re not my mom!” should never be said to your Stepmother, especially if she sincerely tries to parent their stepchildren.
What would you advise someone new to being a stepparent and has to co-parent? Can you share your experience?
If you’re new to being a stepparent and have to co-parent, here’s some advice:
- Be Friendly: Try to be nice and friendly to the kids and your partner’s ex. Being kind helps build trust.
- Listen Carefully: Pay attention when the kids talk to you. It’s essential to understand how they feel and what they need.
- Respect Rules: Every family has rules. Ensure you follow them and talk to your partner about any new rules you think are necessary. Don’t try to establish new or changed rules by yourself.
- Patience Is Key: Sometimes, it takes time for everyone to get used to each other. Be patient, and don’t get upset if things don’t go perfectly initially.
- Teamwork: Work together with your partner and the other parent. Remember, the goal is to raise the kids into responsible and positive contributing adults.
- Communication: Talk to your partner about how you feel and listen to their feelings. It’s essential to be open and honest with each other.
- Get to Know the Kids: Spend time with the kids, doing things they enjoy. This helps you bond and shows them you care.
- Be Yourself: Don’t try to be someone you’re not. Kids will like you more if you’re genuine and honest.
- Ask for Help: If you’re unsure what to do, it’s okay to ask for advice from experienced stepparents, friends, or professionals.
- Take Care of Yourself: Remember to take breaks and do things you enjoy. Being a stepparent can be challenging, so taking care of yourself is vital, too.
Many successful stepparents say that building trust and being patient are two of the most important things. It can take time, but you can create a happy and healthy family together with love and effort.
What was an outdated parenting trend that made you miserable as a child?
The outdated parenting trend “Children should be seen and not heard” was common during the last century. This approach strongly emphasized children maintaining a quiet and obedient presence in the home, often without allowing them to express their thoughts, feelings, or opinions.
As a child growing up, when this trend was still active, I found it quite stifling and isolating. Here are some of the reasons why this outdated trend made me miserable:
- Lack of Emotional Expression: The “children should be seen and not heard” approach discouraged emotional expression. I couldn’t openly share my feelings, frustrations, or excitement with my parents. This lack of emotional expression could lead to emotional suppression and difficulties in understanding and managing emotions.
- Limited Communication: The emphasis on silence limited communication within the family. I felt isolated and disconnected from my parents and siblings because there was little opportunity for meaningful conversation. This could hinder the development of close, supportive family relationships.
- Stifled Creativity: This approach could hinder a child’s creative and intellectual development. It didn’t encourage curiosity, exploration, or asking questions, essential for learning and personal growth.
- Inhibited Self-Expression: I often felt that my voice and opinions didn’t matter. This can lead to low self-esteem, a lack of self-confidence, and difficulties asserting oneself in various social situations.
- Unrealistic Expectations: The expectation that children should behave well and be quiet at all times is unrealistic. This could lead to frustration, a sense of failure, and anxiety in children who struggle to meet these expectations.
Fortunately, parenting approaches have evolved, and today’s emphasis is on encouraging open communication, emotional expression, and developing children’s self-esteem. Parents should listen to their children, engage in meaningful conversations, and create an environment where children feel heard and valued.
This approach fosters healthy emotional and social development, ultimately leading to happier and more well-adjusted children. Here’s what stepmother means and why they deserve all the love and respect.
