The relationship between a stepdad and his stepchildren can be complicated, even under ideal circumstances. Each child may react to the new dynamic differently, making the ties inconsistent. While it’s possible for stepfathers to form rewarding bonds with their stepchildren, blended families often face unique stressors that need to be hurdled early on.
Add alcohol addiction to this equation, and you have the ingredients for a perfect storm. Typically, children of separated or divorced parents already have trust issues, and an alcohol-dependent stepfather can exacerbate these issues. Rebuilding trust with the children is even more difficult if they are exposed to the same problem with their biological parents.
Healing is possible, especially when both sides are willing to work on the strained relationship. With that said, rebuilding trust does not come easy. Recovery from alcohol abuse is a personal journey and may involve taking several paths, such as entering an alcohol addiction treatment center.
Why Stepfather-Stepchild Relationships are Particularly Vulnerable
The 2021 National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) showed that 16.3 million men aged 18 and older had alcohol use disorder (AUD). This number – which included dads and stepdads – shows how widespread the problem was in the US. The psychosocial impacts of alcohol dependency are well-documented. In blended families, the effects are even more intense.
Research shows children with good relationships with their mothers have a more positive view of their stepfathers. However, this isn’t always the case, so a stepfather integrating into a ‘premade’ family structure can create feelings of exclusion or competition between the stepchildren and the stepfather.
Vacillation is an expected behavior in children because they are often loyal to the biological father and wary of the new ‘man in the house,’ especially in cases where the mother had several relationships before the new one. These complexities highlight just how fragile the relationship is.
The stepdad’s parenting style is challenging to introduce into a family that had organically grown without him in the picture. For an alcoholic, the relationship dynamics are more complex.
In cases of alcohol dependency, a stepfather may set off a cascade of adverse reactions in the children, such as loss of respect, anger, frustration, and open hatred. In some instances, these experiences leave adverse effects that persist into adulthood.
Impact of Substance Abuse on Blended Families
The flip side is that alcoholism can turn the stepfather into a veritable Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, leaving emotional scars on the children. An alcoholic stepfather may quickly shower warmth occasionally but, in other instances, break promises, act unpredictably, or become emotionally or physically abusive to his wife and her children.
Consequently, the stepchildren would feel confused, betrayed, scared, and deeply wounded, while the stepfather would feel increasingly isolated from his new family. Some of the resulting challenges have profound effects:
Compounded Dysfunction
When the stepchildren or mother are also struggling with alcohol or substance abuse disorder, the complexities multiply, leading to a web of interrelated issues that can impact trust and create an environment of chaos and inconsistency.
Financial Strain
When the stepfather is considered the head of the family, or at least someone who contributes to putting food on the table, alcohol addiction, rehabilitation, and recovery will impact finances. The cost of intoxication includes the expenses to satisfy the addiction, lost wages or missed opportunities, professional treatment, and hospitalization for the resulting health conditions or accidents resulting from drunkenness.
The challenge becomes overwhelming if the mother lacks a substantial income, especially regarding housing, basic needs, and education expenses. Neglected children may start questioning the presence of a responsible adult in their lives. This difficulty is more manageable in affluent families but poses significant obstacles otherwise.
Emotional Toxicity
There can be jealousy, resentment, and competition as family members adjust to the dynamics of a new relationship. Conflict during the adjustment period can trigger or worsen alcohol and substance issues. This will likely escalate when children feel forced to replace the biological dad in their affections.
Growing up in such an environment can impact the child’s self-worth and emotional development. Older children may naturally fit into a ‘parent’ role, while others may get torn between leaving or staying to help their struggling family.
Increased Risk of Continuation
Children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholic adults. Children often adopt unhealthy coping strategies from their parents. They can develop the habit of resorting to alcohol to numb their emotional pain or evade their difficulties.
Additionally, blended families with multiple alcoholic members are often dysfunctional. These children may encounter higher levels of trauma and stress, which increases their susceptibility to developing alcohol addiction in the future.
Reaching Rock Bottom and Seeking Treatment
At some point, usually, when the alcoholic hits rock bottom in terms of finances, work, and relationships, an intervention that can lead to voluntary treatment is effective.
This necessary intervention is most appropriate when the alcoholic stepdad can’t limit intake, drinks intermittently throughout the day because of intense cravings, and experiences withdrawal symptoms upon abrupt cessation. Upon reaching rock bottom, he may seek the help of family, coworkers, friends, or professionals, especially those in recovery themselves.
Recovery is a very personal and painful process, with a timeline unique for each one. Some alcoholics never seem to ‘bottom out,’ so accepting there is a problem may sometimes call for the intervention of friends and family, which will include children from past relationships.
Choosing the Right Program
Treatment programs vary. Some focus on detoxification, while others emphasize therapy, skill-building, or a combination of approaches. In most successful treatment centers, addiction is treated as a disease without a cure, like diabetes.
Once in treatment, the recovering alcoholic is assessed and is made to choose between an outpatient or a residency program. A factor strongly considered is the difficulty of managing the detoxification process at home. Clearing the body of alcohol can take up to a week and should be done under medical supervision due to potential withdrawal symptoms.
A 30-, 60-, or 90-day program is recommended, depending on the severity of the problem. This can be done in an outpatient or inpatient (residency) program. At this stage of recovery, individuals learn about alcoholism and develop tools to manage sobriety.
Group and individual therapy are at the core of the treatment programs, with the center serving as a community that supports treatment goals and aftercare. Coping skills, seeking forgiveness, making amends, and rebuilding trust are the foundation of support programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA).
Though therapy sounds cut-and-dried, recovery is not a one-way street. After the initial ‘pink cloud moment’ peace that comes after acknowledging the problem, reality may soon set in and test the individual’s resolve during the weaning-off alcohol period. The recovering alcoholic may develop other issues, like infidelity, sometimes considered a cop-out or cross-addiction.
The first year of sobriety is critical to sustained recovery; it’s the phase where individuals learn to live without alcohol. It often involves continued therapy, attendance at support group meetings (like AA), and significant lifestyle adjustments. This can be a trying time for families with young adults who occasionally enjoy a beer or a wife who finds a glass of wine relaxing. Family members will learn soon enough that support is essential.
Ongoing sobriety entails practicing the skills learned during treatment, consciously avoiding triggers that may easily lead to a full-blown relapse, and obtaining family support.
Commitment
The journey to recovery requires perseverance and firm commitment. Relapses can occur, but they don’t signify failure and are a part of the healing journey. This is why it is essential for the recovering alcoholic, the stepdad in this case, to have a family who understands his problem but doesn’t enable him to become codependent. Otherwise, the cycle of addiction won’t be broken.
Some people may progress more quickly, while others need more time. Families should be mindful of the struggles and not compare their situation during recovery with others or fall back into blaming when setbacks are encountered.
Rebuilding Trust and Steps Moving Forward
Entering a treatment center is a significant step, signaling the individual’s intent to improve. This can be the first clue of hope for stepchildren that things might change. Trust rebuilding starts with the recovering alcoholic acknowledging the harm they have caused, offering a sincere apology, and correcting past mistakes wherever possible.
Expressing feelings honestly and having non-confrontational conversations are complex, which is why family therapy may help. The stepdad and stepchildren must be patient with the process because trust isn’t built overnight. However, understanding what caused the addiction and acknowledging the desire to heal make the pain hurt less.
Consistency is always a work in progress, and trust is earned over time once the stepdad ‘walks the talk,’ even if imperfectly. Maintaining sobriety and consistently demonstrating reliability and responsibility can slowly mend the broken bonds of trust. For instance, simply showing up on occasions important to the stepchildren is a good start.
To safeguard sobriety and to better prepare should the stepdad exhibit signs of relapse, the family is encouraged to join parallel programs called Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. Recognizing triggers and celebrating small wins are of prime importance moving forward. Stepfamilies are encouraged to engage in positive activities together. Shared positive experiences can help in rewriting the narrative of the once-toxic relationship.
In some families, the wounds are too deep to heal completely, not just from this relationship but from the collective experience. But some families become stronger than they were before the addiction.
Activities that Promote Healing
Recovery is an active process, and strengthening stepfamily relationships during recovery is an emotional and sensitive time for everyone involved. Children who show reluctance or open hostility should not be judged or forced into family-type activities.
Everyone is testing the waters now, and participating in shared activities can foster understanding. It’s like having team-building exercises one day at a time. Some of the activities that can strengthen bonds are the following:
Family Therapy
Participate in family therapy sessions with a licensed professional. Having a neutral third party creates a safe environment for everyone. The therapist can encourage the expression of feelings and grievances so that conflicts are resolved healthily.
Exercise Together
Physical activities like playing a sport or taking long walks can be a bonding experience. Doing chores together can be considered a form of exercise, too. It reduces stress and provides an opportunity for positive interaction.
Engage in a Shared Hobby
Engaging in a shared hobby can be relatively inexpensive. It may be mundane things you can do together, like gardening, cooking, or painting the house. Watching a favorite series or sports is an excellent way to warm up to each other.
Practice Gratitude and Welcome New Traditions
Establish a routine where family members share something they are grateful for daily. This can foster positivity and encourage focusing on the good aspects of life and each other.
Veer away from past patterns that may make family members feel isolated. New traditions like celebrating recovery milestones are beneficial, helping stepfamilies create a fresh identity as a unit. Awareness of the importance of recovery milestones positively influences the children.
Participate in Recovery Support Groups
However, attending these together can demonstrate commitment to recovery. When arrangements are not possible, you can still come together as a group at another time and conduct your family’s version of an Al-Anon or AA meeting.
Conclusion
Alcohol addiction can strain the already vulnerable stepdad-stepchild relationship. However, with the proper support, patience, and consistent effort, it’s possible to rebuild trust and forge a strong, loving bond. Families must remember that the journey is not a sprint but a marathon, and every step forward, no matter how small, is progress.
