You’ve been dating for a while, and everything has been going great. You’ve met and spent time with her kids, and the going’s been good. So you decide to take the ‘obvious’ next step and become a permanent part of her life and theirs (the kids).
But you soon encounter some things and situations you didn’t expect during your transition from partner to stepdad! You’re caught unaware and off guard. You didn’t think you’d face any of these challenges.
So what should you realistically expect when transitioning from a partner to a stepdad? The truth is relationships are different, and everyone has their own experience. The silver lining is there are ways to deal with the challenges you’ll face. We will look at a few of the most common ones.
Push Back
From the kids, of course. You used to be in good books before – going out and having fun together. So what’s changed? Well, you no longer drop in and out of their lives. Instead, you’ve become a permanent fixture and are always present 24/7.
If you’re like most people, having someone in your space feels intrusive, and we try to create as much space as possible to avoid feeling closed in. If this applies to adults, would it be unreasonable for children to feel this way? Certainly not!
Ignoring this will only build more tension. So instead, make them feel you’re not a threat, continue having fun together like you used to, and let them have as much space as they want.
Don’t try too much too soon. It will worsen the situation. Like dating, take things slow; eventually, you’ll be back on track, and they’ll accept you into the tribe.
Power Dynamic Shift
You used to be the ‘cool uncle’ who would let the kids eat junk, take them where they wanted, and generally let them run the show. All in the hopes of getting them to like you. But you now have to change and become an authoritative figure.
They have to listen when you tell them to: stop doing something, eat their greens, go to bed, or do their chores. The dynamic power shift won’t go down well because the friend they knew and loved seems to have vanished and been replaced with an imposter.
Who is this person, and why has he been leading us? Because children have no filter, they will let you know exactly how they feel. Their innocent little minds will fail to grasp what would have happened, and the signs of resentment will start to show.
The best way to deal with this is to be relaxed. Instead, try the reward system, where you offer them a reward (a sticker/treat, etc.) for good behavior.
This method is so effective psychologically that it’s used in everyday life without us noticing it, such as in the workplace. People are rewarded for good work with praise, promotion, or a little bonus come payday.
The reward system is perfectly safe to use on children. Using it subtly will get you results. You will be listened to without coming off as overbearing, and the children also get some form of reward for their excellent behavior—a win-win situation.
A Cry for Attention
In the past, it used to be mommy and us. Now she’s giving someone else attention. Why do we have to share her!? Children often get jealous of their newborn siblings they saw growing up in their own mother’s womb. What more is an ‘outsider’? The age of the child is no exception; they will struggle.
Teenagers are notably worse because they’re at ‘that age’ and can start acting out. So how do you douse this fire before it burns everything in its path?
With a simple solution – assurance. Please make sure the kids that are old enough understand that they are not being replaced. Better yet, there’s even more attention for them, seeing that they now have two sources of it.
With children, actions often speak louder than words, simply telling them will not cut it. You’re going to have to show it by being intentional about it. Things like taking an interest in what they’re doing, communicating with them more, or enjoying family time – eating together or enjoying some tv shows together (funny shows are gold).
In no time, the barriers will naturally fall away, and they will realize you’re not trying to steal mommy away.
Being a stepdad is never easy, and everyone encounters different obstacles when adjusting to the new role. However, approaching every situation calmly and clearly can help you make better decisions.
No one’s perfect, so you shouldn’t stress too much. After all, it’s new to you too. Always confer with your partner on how to handle new situations because they understand their children better.
But all in all, enjoy fatherhood because it’s a beautiful journey.
