If you’re planning on marrying someone with children and don’t have kids of your own, it can be a serious adjustment.
However, these five parenting guidelines for beginners will give you a good start.
Parenting, specifically, can be stressful, especially for stepparents that don’t have any prior experience. But it can also be extremely rewarding. Stepparenting is often a thankless job, but the chance to become a part of a family and positively influence a child, or children, can be well worth any stress that will certainly come up.
If you’re becoming a stepparent but don’t have any kids of your own, you could very well benefit from these parenting guidelines for beginners.
Before taking the plunge, talk to your partner about life with their kids and the expectations you both have.
- Try to get a full understanding of what you’re getting yourself into. Their lives may be different when you’re not around, so asking questions will help get the bigger picture. You’ll never truly know what it’s like until you’re living it, but it’s wise to try and prepare yourself as much as possible. Talk to your partner about:
- What their days look like, typical routines
- What their relationship is with their ex
- How they discipline the kids and your role in disciplining them
- Their parenting style (As a stepparent, you will need to follow this parenting style. It’s your job to support your partner)
- What their financial obligations are
- Don’t have inflated expectations. Likely, you won’t be sure exactly what to expect when you become a stepparent. But you mustn’t expect that you and your new stepchild will instantaneously “click.” It will take time before you become one big, happy blended family.
1. Patience is a Virtue
It takes time to navigate your way around this new thing called parenthood. You won’t always know the right thing to do or to say, especially in the beginning. Parenthood takes practice, stepparenthood even more so. So don’t beat yourself up if things don’t click right away.
Don’t rush your stepchild into accepting you. As Ron Deal explained in his book, The Smart Stepfamily, a blended family is more likely to work if it has time to “cook.” Kids are not always easy to win over.
They will go at their own pace to feel out this new family dynamic, and their initial reaction to it may not always be a good one. Some things take time, and that needs to be accepted.
2. To Earn Respect, You Must First Give Respect
“Every good relationship is based on respect. Just because you are marrying their dad or mom, it doesn’t automatically make you their parent as well. That’s a coveted title that is earned. It’s no easy feat either.
Be sure always to be respectful of the kids’ time with their parents, traditions, and feelings. This makes it much easier to request respect in return.
If your partner isn’t reinforcing respect in the relationship, then that is between you and your partner and needs to be addressed to move forward. In the best situation, respect turns to affection and good healthy relationships all the way around.” ― Laura Young
Additionally, it would be best if you were sure to show respect for your partner’s ex as well. You and your partner’s ex don’t have to become the best of friends, but your stepchild needs to see the two of you at least be civil with each other.
3. Seek out Support
It’s normal and natural to feel like an outsider, especially at first. However, it’s important to keep in mind that your partner needs to spend alone time with their children to properly nurture their relationship.
But it’s also important for you to talk to your partner about your feelings. Then, after that, it should be okay for you to join in on family time, at least sometimes.
Like with all parents, there will be days when parenting will get the best of you. There will be hard days, and you will need to lean on someone for support. It doesn’t matter if you turn to a friend, partner, family member, or a therapist: it’s okay to seek support.
4. Make Time for Yourself
Don’t forget to make time for yourself. To be the best stepparent you can be, you need to make sure you are cared for and feel connected with yourself.
Think of the adage: “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” Set aside time every week to do something that makes you happy, whether that includes meditating, exercising, reading, or just grabbing a coffee with a friend.
5. Read the Literature
Numerous books can help make you a better stepparent.
Some suggestions include:
- The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal
- The Smart Stepdad by Ron Deal
- The Smart Stepmom by Ron Deal
- Building Love Together in Blended Families by Gary Chapman
- The Stepmoms’ Club: How to Be a Stepmom without Losing Your Money, Your Mind, and Your Marriage by Kendall Rose
For additional advice and information on parenting, read the article on mistakes to avoid as a stepparent.
