My father-in-law, Chuck Brown, was a Marine Corps Sergeant Major. Sergeant Major is one of the highest enlisted ranks in the Marine Corps. Chuck as he liked to be called served three combat tours in Vietnam.
During one fierce battle, he earned a battlefield promotion and a bronze star. Despite my military service he never shared any details of the battle.
Chuck was what I envisioned of a sergeant major crusty and tough accompanied by a sprinkling of salty language. However, through this rough veneer was a love for his family especially his grandchildren.
He gave me what I felt was the most invaluable advice as I became a stepfather to his two grandchildren. He shared how children need to be treated with the same dignity and respect as I would treat an adult contemporary.
The only difference between a child and an adult was the amount of experience. Chuck’s advice was profound having grown up in a household where children should be seen and not heard.
Although I never heard Chuck tell a joke, I believe he would enjoy the following jokes and puns about his beloved Corps.
1. A sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.” Twenty-four men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man “why didn’t you raise your hand?” The man replied: “Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge.”
2. A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his recruits, and as he was walking away, he turned to the recruit and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The recruit replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself when I got out of the Corps I’d never stand in another line!”
3. What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines? A platoon.
They ask the guy working there for the necessary equipment, some bait, a net, and some rope. Before they leave, the man at the counter tells them that a couple of marines have recently headed out to the swamp a couple of hours ago to get some alligator boots just like them and to keep an eye out for them in case they were lost. The army grunts agreed and head out in a small dingy.
After coming to a nice part of the swamp, they notice piles upon piles of dead alligators and look only feet away at the two marines. One of the marines leaps into the water and lands on the back of an alligator, wrangling it and wading to the land before the other plunges his knife in it to kill it.
The two army men are certainly impressed, and watch as the marines turn the gator over, and sit back in disgust and yell out “this one doesn’t have boots either!”
8. We all know Marines eat crayons, but what’s their favorite flavor of crayon? Crayonberry.
9. An Army ranger looks to a marine and asks if he wants to hear a joke about how dumb Marines are.
The Marine replies, “The guy sitting next to me is a marine and so is the guy sitting next to him, are you sure you want to tell that joke”
The ranger thinks then says, “Nah, I don’t want to explain it three times”
Because a mind is a terrible thing to waste.
13. How do you get rid of a bunch of marines? Easy, just tell them CNN is two blocks over.
- Heaven won’t take us and Hell’s afraid we’ll take over.
- USMC: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.
- When in doubt, empty the magazine.
- To err is human, to forgive is divine, however, neither is Marine Corps policy.
- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
- There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.
- All men are created equal, then some become Marines.
- It’s not an attitude problem, we are that good.
- U.S. Marines: Travel agents to Allah.
- It’s God’s job to forgive Bin Laden, it’s our job to arrange the meeting.
15. A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a social change. On previous visits, she noted women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives! She approached one of the women for an explanation: “What enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal of roles?” “Land mines,” replied the Kuwaiti woman.
16. Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
Click here to read what else I learned from my father-in-law, Chuck Brown.
