This past week the Republican National Convention was held. Beginning in Charlotte, North Carolina, the event included a variety of venues as well as many speakers. President Trump and Vice President Mike Pence were renominated to represent the Republicans in the November election.
The naturalization ceremony particularly moved me. It reminded me of my father’s naturalization as a Panamian immigrant and how the United States remains the land of hope and opportunity for the people who come. But it will stay that way?
In the interest of remaining “fair and balanced,” here are 29 jokes and puns about Republicans. Enjoy…
1. Why do most Republicans fail geometry? Because they don’t have any points.
2. What do Republicans and porn stars have in common? They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera.
3. What do you call a basement full of Republicans? A whine cellar.
4. How do you confuse a Republican? You don’t. They’re born that way.
5. Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges. – Andy Borowitz
6. What do you get when you offer a member of the Republican party a penny for their thoughts? Change.
7. Why is it bad when the Republicans control the House, the Senate, Supreme Court, the White House? Because they only have themselves to blame.
8. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They’re afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
9. Do you want to know why the Republicans won’t impeach Trump? Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
10. Republicans are trying to put an amendment into relief bill to outlaw prepackaged shredded cheese, in an attempt to make America grate again.
11. I tried to call my Republican Senators today. I ended up with rain check because they all sold out
12. Alan Dershowitz privately counseled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump. He said, “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”
13. Why did the dyslexic republican politician have to suspend his campaign? Because he vowed to put an end to texas.
14. I’m getting sick of all these stupid Republican jokes, all 195 of them.
15. I talked to my Republican friends about immigration. The conversation really went south.
16. A survey finds one in three Republicans is of below-average IQ. The other two are Russian Hackers.
17. I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween. I won’t be leaving the house.
18. I sexually identify as half Democrat and half Republican. I’m bipartisan
19. The problem with Trump jokes: Republicans don’t think they’re funny, and Democrats don’t think they’re jokes.
20. Al Qaeda had captured a plane full of republicans. They have posted a video online saying unless the U.S. government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one
21. I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!” “Fine,” I said, “I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!” “You clever bastard,” said the genie.
22. People ask me why I’m a Republican. I tell them I’m not that political.
It’s just that I thought it would be better to choose the side with all the guns.
23. The Republicans want to extend tax cuts for everybody, but compensate by cutting federal spending at a later date using a fantastic new spending-cutting device they have seen advertised on TV. – Dave Barry
24. The Republicans keep saying we need more Jesus in our country. So why they want to build a wall to keep them all out?
25. How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Republicans don’t change light bulbs. They hide the ladders, sell the bulbs, blame Democrats for the dark, and send thoughts and prayers to anyone who trips.
26. Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges. – Andy Borowitz
27. What’s the difference between a rapist and a Republican? Hollywood won’t work with a Republican.
28. If a Republican wins, I’m leaving. If A Democrat Wins, I’m also Leaving, and this has nothing to do with politics. I just really want to travel.
29. A Russian spy, a Klansman, and a televangelist walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, the Republican Convention is next door.”
Did you miss the jabs at the Democrats? Here they are.
