Our society often downplays the power of a good dad. Sadly, for stepdads, there’s an even lower expectation, but I think it’s time to raise the bar. Stepdads have an opportunity to be a healing hero.
They can be the person a young adult mentions in a thank you speech, gets toasted to at a celebration or even gets a personal, loving hug of gratitude (those are the best).
Let’s break this down a bit. I know the word “Hero” is overused. I’m not using this just for the fun alliteration, but I believe it’s the right word here. A hero is someone who sacrifices themselves for others. What kind of sacrifice am I talking about?
The Hero Stepdad
The kind where you give up your own plans for your life and give unconditionally to others. The type of hero who humbles themselves to help another reach higher places and healing.
You make a plan when you are dating to find that special someone and picture what it’s going to look like. It’s natural to imagine quiet romantic moments for just the two of you.
Suddenly everything changes because you are not just being asked to love one person, but many. Sometimes that special someone comes with kids. The bigger challenge is often, those kids are hurting and even angry.
So suddenly, your expectations must change and that can be hard. These kids who are now in your life have been through separation, divorce, or abandonment of some kind, so they arrive with their own little baggage.
You see, kids can’t think, “My parents had some relationship trouble, so they decided to part from each other, and it has nothing to do with me.” Most kids think, “My family is falling apart. What did I do to make the father in my life leave? Are all men going to leave? Who is this new guy in my life? I better test his resolve.”
How to be a Hero Stepdad
I’m not saying it’s easy to be a hero. In fact, it’s hard. It means that when a kid, who you did not raise, is now yelling at you, you have an opportunity to change the story. Most people’s instinct when yelled at is to either defend themselves, yell back, or give up and walk away.
None of these are effective in changing the narrative to a hero’s story. If you want to step up as a stepdad, there are other options, but it means to sacrifice. Instead of seeing the kids as insulting, disrespectful, or rude, you can ask, “How are they hurting?”
Ignore the instinct to react at being jeered at, and respond to the underlying hurt in the child. If you can see verbal assaults as the child’s anger for feeling abandoned, then you might respond kindly and prove to them that they are lovable even when they act up.
Calm, consistent responses with clear boundaries and expectations, can be compelling. “You may not speak to me that way. When you are ready to use a respectful tone, I’ll listen to what you are saying. I love you.”
A hero stepdad who shows love and respect will receive the same. But the consequences of taking on this task is more significant and even powerful. These children are experiencing loss and have possibly lost touch with the value of family.
The hero stepdad has an opportunity to teach a young girl that men can be a lasting partner. By showing respect and patience to a mom with the daughter, he also shows that women have value and that girl may grow up to better understand her own value.
Hero stepdads can show a stepson kindness is how you treat your loved ones, even when you are confronted. That the job of a dad is important. This boy may grow up to be a young man who understands the importance of being a husband and dad. He too may someday step up as a stepdad and be a healing hero…just like you.
As a stepdad, here’re some ways new stepdads can step into their role to make the transition easier.
