A stepdad named Robert shared the following with me.
I am trying to find some advice on how to handle situations in my marriage involving the idea of stepparenting. I married my wife when she had a four-year-old son.
He is now 11, and I have been the only father he knows. I have four biological sons, as well. My wife has been irritated if I use the phrase stepson or stepdad even though this is true.
I don’t think differently regarding my stepson. However, I find it very frustrating that I can’t vocalize the truth of the situation in that I am the one who stepped in and manned up to be his father. I feel like not using these terms negates what I have done for him.
My wife thinks I should pretend this doesn’t matter and shouldn’t use those terms. I don’t care about the term itself but believe that it does matter as it establishes what I have done for him.
I find it very frustrating my wife gets so upset about a normal thing (in my opinion).
How can I better handle this without hurting anyone’s feelings?
Thank you, Robert, for allowing me to share my thoughts on your situation. I commend you stepping up to the plate in your stepson’s life. I feel you can best handle your situation without hurting anyone’s feelings by calling your stepson “son” and referring to yourself as his dad. Here’s why.
Have you ever given someone close to you a gift you spent considerable time and effort in obtaining only to see their indifferent or lukewarm reaction when they receive the gift? Try to recall how their response made you feel.
I believe this is what your wife is feeling which may explain why she’s getting upset. Your wife is presenting you with her most precious gift her son.
Your insistence on referring to him as your stepson is like rejecting the gift she has offered you. While you’re correct in identifying him as your stepson, you’re failing to see things through your wife’s eyes.
I feel your wife is seeing what I believe is the bigger picture – that of a truly blended family where you’re the father of five, not four sons. It sounds sad that she’s even asked you to pretend it doesn’t matter.
While you state you don’t think differently about your stepson, I feel referring to yourself as “stepdad” and your son as stepson communicates something different to others. Why is it important for others to be aware of the role you play in your stepson’s life? Do you need to the acknowledgment of the role you play in your stepson’s life?
Calling your stepson son and calling yourself his dad speaks volumes on how you came into this young child’s life and developed a relationship that goes beyond titles and blood type. Choose the better thing.
Readers, please feel free to add your thoughts and feelings in the Comments.
