- A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes…
- My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
- About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
- Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
- A Mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dos, and he disappeared without a trace
- The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
- My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
- “Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
- I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of Chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
- eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
- Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
- I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
- Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
- Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
- I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
- I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
- My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
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“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” ~ Colin Powell
