How To Stop Attracting The Wrong Person

First, let’s define the wrong person: Someone who

• Isn’t right or good for you or your children,
• Isn’t relationally or emotionally healthy,
• Makes your life worse rather than better, and/or
• Fits a pattern that has caused you problems in the past.

The first question that must be asked is “Why do you attract the wrong person to begin with?” The most obvious answer is there’s something about you that communicates a message the wrong person interprets as an invitation to have a relationship with you.

Once that relationship has begun, you give too much time to it before you recognize you need to let it go.

Here are some things you can do to stop attracting the wrong person:

Work on Getting Healthy Emotionally, Relationally, Physically and Spiritually

Unhealthy people attract unhealthy people. Conversely, healthy people attract healthy people.

You do this by learning about your how you were impacted by your past including your childhood, former relationships and significant life events.

Learning about dysfunctional vs. healthy relationship characteristics helps you to change your unhealthy behavior. It takes time to get healthy.

If you don’t, you will continue to pick unhealthy people and complicate your life.   

Learn about Red flags and don’t Ignore Them

A red flag is supposed to make you stop and evaluate what is going on, so you can make good decisions by letting go of bad relationships. What are some of those red flags?

People who have addictions, personality disorders and irresponsible behavior. It also includes people whose lives are a mess and need fixing, as well as people who bring drama and dysfunction into your life.

Add to that controlling, demanding, manipulative, abusive, dependent, needy, dishonest, immature, unfaithful, lazy and emotionally distant people.

Get whatever help you need to make sure you walk away.            

Focus on Being Happy and Fulfilled Without a Partner

Neediness leads to desperation and causes you to settle for anyone who is available. Instead, focus on making a good life for you and your children.

Find things you enjoy doing. Develop positive friendships. Get involved in activities.

Develop yourself spiritually. Enjoy your children. Be a good parent.

Look at your future as one where you may or may not re-marry. When you develop yourself by becoming a fulfilled and happy person, you will attract another fulfilled and happy person.

Analyze, Understand and Change your Patterns

There are multiple reasons you repeatedly pick the same type of person. One of the most common is to act out a childhood role as an adult.

It may be you played a caretaker role for an addicted or sick parent. You may have learned to sacrifice yourself in a quest to rescue or fix someone, maybe trying to make someone stop drinking or using.

Another is to unconsciously pick a partner who treats you like your parent treated you. It’s suggested people do this to repeat the childhood conflicts over which they can win as an adult by convincing the person to treat them differently healing the childhood wound.

In this case, if you had a parent who was neglectful or abusive, you would pick a neglectful or abusive partner and attempt to convince this person to treat you right.

The third reason is related to specific character traits that predispose you to attracting a certain type of person such as someone who is passive that repeatedly picks someone controlling. To stop repeating patterns, you must find out the reasons for the repetitive choices.

This may require you to go back to your family of origin and face some difficult childhood issues.   

Prioritize your Parenting Role and take Care of Your Children

Your children are dependent on you for a limited number of years. They need a great deal of your time and attention.

A new relationship takes time away from your children. Picking the wrong person will likely have a negative impact on your children by taking even more of your time and energy as unhealthy relationships tend to have drama and conflict.

Now that you know specific things to do that will help you to stop attracting the wrong person, will you make a commitment to do them? Write down your commitment and keep it in a place where you’re reminded of it daily.

About the author

This post is by Karla Downing, M.A., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author and founder of ChangeMyRelationship. Karla grew up in a dysfunctional family and eventually found herself in a difficult marriage. Through her personal struggles, she discovered biblical and practical principles she now teaches to others to change their lives and relationships.