The woman of your dreams has kids from her previous marriage. Since you decided to marry her, you must learn to accept and at least like, if not love, her children as well. You may also have kids from a previous relationship.
This will further add to the relationship dynamics of your new family. However, there’s nothing a little knowledge, perseverance and patience can’t fix. It takes a man with a big heart to accept another man’s child as his own and become part of that family. You’ve made that tough choice.
However, getting along with stepkids can be difficult. They’ve had to deal with emotional turmoil, the primary being the end of their original family and the presence of a different man in the house instead of their dad. Your stepkids might not accept you with an open heart and mind, but you have to try and win them over. Here are eight essential bond building tips with your stepkids:
#1 – Be Involved
Show your stepchild how supportive you are and win his trust. You can begin by helping with his homework or playing his favorite game with him. Attend his sporting events and school activities. Learn who his friends are, and what kind of music he likes.
Also, allow him to get to know you too. Children need assurances their parents are going to be there for them. With children from broken homes, the need for this assurance is greater than other kids. So, you have to be more involved with your stepchild and let them know you will not leave his side.
#2 – Respect You Stepchild’s Privacy
When children go through adolescence, they’re on a journey of self-discovery. You may find your stepchild remains in their room with the doors closed, and only shows up at meals. It’s important you don’t pry. It’s a phase and will pass in due time.
You don’t have to panic. Remember you were an adolescent too and have your own story to tell. So, if your stepchildren ask you to stay out of their room, respect their privacy. Only when you give respect will you receive respect in return.
#3 – Treat All Your Kids Equally
If you are raising children of your own in addition to your wife’s child, it’s important you’re impartial. You should set an example for all your kids by treating them equally, remember you’re a father to all of them. Don’t let your stepchild feel neglected or treated differently.
To do so will push them away and damage their confidence. If you’re going out for burgers and ice cream, let your stepchild pick the hamburger place and you can let your kid pick the ice-cream parlor. Being partial towards your own kid will breed rivalry among stepsiblings you must avoid because it will bring unnecessary drama to your home.
#4 – Learn To Be Patient
Raising a child requires an excessive amount of patience especially with a kid whose parents are divorced. You have to let them learn to deal with the death of their first family. Until their ready to let you in their life, you can’t do anything. You might be ready to accept them as your own kid, but you cannot force them to accept and love you in return.
Your stepchild needs time to heal and ready themselves to let another man raise him. You have to understand their picture of the “perfect family” has only just broken up, and no one knows how long it will take to put that image back together. So, give your stepchild some time to process the change and they will eventually accept you for the loving father you are.
#5 – Don’t Compete With The Biological Father
You have to accept you have someone else’s shoes to fill. You cannot be your stepchild’s biological father. Sure, you wish you were, but cherish the fact you get to raise him more than wanting to be his biological dad.
You love your stepchild, and they loves you back. He loves his biological dad too. You have to find it in you to accept this truth. Instead of trying to outshine his biological dad, just be yourself. Trust me, your stepchild will love you more.
#6 – Communicate With Your Stepchild
It’s important to maintain open lines of communication with the kids. You have to understand there’s turmoil in your stepchild’s mind. The absence of their biological father, the presence of a different man in the house, as well as the decision of his mother choosing to marry another man weigh down upon their young mind. You can try by maintaining a friendly attitude towards them. Be the person he can talk to about his problems and difficulties.
Try to get their trust, build on it and treasure it. You have to remember your stepchild is vulnerable at this point and requires an enormous amount of care and love. It doesn’t help to hide the fact that you have adopted your stepchild, but remind them you love them and that is what counts. You will be surprised how far along good communication with your stepchild will take you.
#7 – Be A ‘Near-Perfect’ Role Model
Children always look up to their parents to know the difference between right and wrong, just and unjust. Be a role model to your stepchild. When you teach him how to hook a worm while fishing, you are sharing your time with him, and he will eventually learn to reciprocate.
Teach them to love, to be kind and compassionate by your treatment towards their mother. Be a man they’ll be proud of and will want to be when they grows up.
#8 – Seek Your Wife’s Opinion On How To Raise Them
True, you are raising another man’s kid as your own. However, since that man isn’t around doesn’t mean you get to make all the choices you think is best. You should raise your stepchild in partnership with his mother. She should also consult you when she has to take an important decision about your stepchild’s life.
You have to remember, managing a family requires a healthy partnership. It’s not possible to maintain the partnership if you don’t talk to your spouse about things that impact your stepchild. You are not taking a step back by consulting your wife about decisions impacting your stepchild.
Being part of an blended family can be difficult. There will be those initial jitters. You should, however, know raising a stepchild is not any easier than raising your own kids. They are children, and they will be challenging. You need to maneuver this terrain carefully. However, there is nothing more satisfying as raising kids who are independent, smart, kind and compassionate individuals.
As a stepdad to be a significant influence in your stepchild’s life will require you to develop a close relationship with them. Learn five ways to make open communication more of a reality with your stepchildren.
