Divorce can be a sad, stressful, confusing and frustrating time for all people involved, but with about half of marriages in the United States ending in divorce, it is statistically something you or someone you love might deal with at some point in life.
Unfortunately, some of the most innocent victims of divorce are children. While it’s impossible a divorce will leave a child completely unscathed, there are ways to help ease the pain of divorce and keep kids out of the drama when parents make the choice to go their separate ways.
Be Honest
This does not mean taking every opportunity to degrade your soon-to-be ex, but kids do have a right to know what is going on. Divorce can be messy and sometimes the reasons behind it are not kid appropriate, but a simple reason such as “we just can’t along anymore” is all that is needed. Honesty will help keep the lines of communication open. This is very important.
Establish and Keep Routines
Routines are extremely comforting to kids. With separation and divorce come new and difficult routines. As much as possible, try to keep routines clear and simple. Do your best to make sure kids are still able to get to their extracurricular activities and have play dates with friends.
Hire an Attorney
They can be helpful in many more aspects than just divvying up who gets what. Attorneys provide an unbiased third party for people make decisions with, rather than burdening a child with issues they shouldn’t have to deal with.
An attorney will also help work out visitation schedules with the child’s best interest at heart. They can also help speed up the divorce process and help you work your way through the legal system. Without help from a legal expert like Thomas A. Corletta, it could take much longer to get everything settled.
Communication
Keep communicating and help your kid feel listened to and understood. Kids are going to have questions and it is important that you are not afraid to answer them. Kids coping with a parent’s divorce are likely to need reassurance, often again and again, so be prepared to be patient. They should feel comfortable asking questions to both you and your ex, and expect honest feedback.
Sometimes, it’s necessary for them to talk to other family members like grandparents to feel comfortable and understand the situation. Other times, they may need to talk to a professional counselor to understand their feelings. Be sure to allow these open lines of communication to help your kids understand their role and what divorce means for them.
Keep Relationships Positive on Both Sides
Encourage kids to have healthy and happy relationships with both parents and both sides of the family. This can be very difficult when you have been hurt or betrayed, but it’s important.
If kids feel the need to choose between two people that they love, they will likely end up feeling conflicted, upset and blaming themselves for their parent’s failed relationship. As trying as it may be, especially at the start when wounds are fresh, a kid that is able to have a relationship with both parents guilt free is much less likely to feel stressed.
Be a Team
Present a united front. Just because the marriage has ended doesn’t mean the relationship has. If children are involved, the two ex-spouses are bound for life. Presenting things such as discipline and educational expectations as a like-minded team will be very helpful to a kid dealing with divorce and reduce conflict.
Divorce is never easy and the healing can take time. Seek out counsel from a professional, friends, and family, but try to keep kids out of the drama. It is important to surround a child dealing with divorce with love, compassion and understanding.
Do you believe divorce can have a positive effect on children? Author Brooke Chaplan writes about three reasons why it can.
