Effective Parent – How To Stay One After a Divorce

While it may seem like the divorce is difficult enough to get through, the aftermath can feel just as hard, if not worse. This is especially true with children involved.

Divorce is a situation all children respond to differently. There’s no cookie-cutter way to handle the aftermath.

By paying attention to your children’s needs, behaviors and maintaining a consistent presence in their lives you can work with your ex-spouse to effectively parent them in a happy and healthy environment. Here are a few tips to get you on the right track:

Create A Logical Plan

Speaking with a divorce lawyer is a smart idea especially when you are trying to share custody. If you’re able to come to an agreement with your ex and truly trust he or she will follow through with it, that might work in some cases. However, divorces can be messy.

Even if you feel like you can make decisions with your ex, having a third party to help you through the process is always a good idea, especially when it involves custody.

Speak Candidly With Your Children

Trying to hide the facts of the divorce from your children can make them feel distant from your family. Let them know what stage of the process you are at and what they can expect from there.

They also need to know both of their parents on their side, which you can accomplish by making sure they understand the divorce isn’t their fault.

While you should be honest and frank, there may be times when details are better left out for now. This is especially true for young children.

They don’t need to know every detail of the divorce, but more understanding of what happens next.

Don’t Pit Them Against One Another

You can dislike your ex-wife’s new boyfriend all you want, but that doesn’t mean you have to destroy his relationship with your children. You want your children to have a relationship with both of their parents, and if you are constantly bad-mouthing the other, the plan might backfire. Your children may end up resenting you instead.

Co-Parent To A Reasonable Degree

Some ex-spouses are able to get together for holidays so their children can continue beloved family traditions while others do not even want to speak when they drop the kids off.

You have to decide what level of co-parenting is reasonable for the two of you, but you need to at least be on the same page about some issues.

Attend Your Children’s Events

Don’t let your distaste for your ex-spouse get in the way of your children’s events. While going to a that first soccer game when you know you’re going to see your ex-wife can be anxiety-inducing, your children will appreciate you did it, and the situation will feel less awkward over time.

Agree On Certain Rules

Some of the rules are going to vary by the house, but others need to be mutually agreed upon. For example, you cannot disagree with your ex-spouse on what age your daughter can start to date or if your son can go to college out of state. These are black and white situations, so you’ll need to communicate with one another.

Ultimately, remember your children are not prizes to be won in a competition or pawns on a chess board. Most of the time, they want to share you equally, so let them do that. Get the legal, financial and emotional support you need to get through divorce and parent the way your children need.

About the author

Anita Ginsburg is a freelance writer from Denver, Colorado. She often writes about home, family, finance and business. A mother of two, she enjoys traveling with her family when she isn’t writing.

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