Gaining a stepchild through a marriage can be awkward at first. Depending on the age of the child, you never quite know what to expect. While a much younger child can be more open to the idea of gaining a parent, older children could put up a great deal of resistance.
They don’t always understand why parents part ways and can feel a great deal of resentment towards you. It can be downright tough to be a part of the child’s life. What do you do when your stepchild doesn’t accept you as “Stepdad?”
Don’t Spoil the Child – Some stepfathers will try too hard to be the “good guy” in the eyes of the child. For many, this includes a great deal of spoiling the child in order to win over affection. This is a very bad way to gain the approval of any individual. 
Instead of the emotional attachment being genuine, you essentially buy it from the person. This is true regardless of how old the person is. You will never know for sure if the emotional attachment is real or if the child is looking for more treats and toys.
Be Your Own Person – Don’t try to replace the biological father. Your opinions are more than likely skewed due to your relationship with your new spouse.
If you want to earn the respect of the child and form a bond, you must accept the biological father could be Superman in his or her eyes.
This attachment could be near legendary levels and you shouldn’t directly compete with a status such as that.
Instead, focus on being the best parent you can be and let the child decide for themselves. It may be quite difficult to step away from certain situations involving the relationship the child has with the biological father, but you should still respect that boundary.
Don’t Judge a Book… – As mentioned above, your opinions of the ex of your spouse may be very one-sided. Of course there are some situations where the problems are quite obvious, but do you have the right to judge an individual from a single side of the story?
From your new spouse’s point of view, things could have unfolded quite differently between them. Try to bear in mind what the biological father might be going through during this period of time, but be supportive of your spouse. Even if you feel your spouse may be wrong about the biological father, taking his side could drive a wedge between you.
Develop a Mutual Respect with Dad – Every parent has their own opinions about how to raise a child. Although there are a few similarities in practices, there are still enough differences to where it does make an impact on the household. There needs to be some kind of mutual respect between yourself and the biological father.
Even if your methods are undoubtedly superior for raising a child, he may have a different point of view. There will be times when you hear the phrase, “but Dad lets me do it.” However, this doesn’t mean you should alter your own methods to match. Keep calm and respond with something to the effect of, “but you know that’s not how we do things here.”
Keep Your Composure – It can be incredibly easy to become frustrated when a child goes to great lengths to compare yourself to the biological father. The best thing you can do is keep your composure. There is no productivity to be had if you lose your temper.
All that may happen is you can widen the gap between yourself and the child. Try to remain as rational and focused as you can, even if the child is throwing a temper tantrum. He or she may be trying to purposely push your limits.
As the stepfather, it is your job to provide the best positive male role model in the home as you can. It’s not your goal to replace the biological father. Depending on the circumstances, you could inadvertently make things worse. Be someone the child can depend on and look up to, and let him or her make up their mind about you.
Always curious, Ashley Hardway is constantly learning and passionate about sharing what she learns with others. Based in Houston, Texas, she loves to help families grow stronger, help their environments and communities, and keep moving forward! Check out @NannyLady on Twitter to connect and find out more.
