You’ve fallen in love with the woman of your dreams and you’ve decided you want to spend the rest of your life with her. You know the love of your life has children and you wisely decide you want to begin building a deeper relationship with them while you their mom are still dating. The activities you participate in together as a family can go a long way in establishing a connection with them.
Some men think you need to treat your partner’s kids to extravagant, i.e., expensive outings in order to buy win their affection. Taking your fiance and her kids on shopping trips to the mall, visiting arcades or amusement parks can be fun and make for lasting memories. Unfortunately, it may be setting a false and expensive expectation for your relationship with them. At some point, you will have to transition from dating to stepdadding.
Opportunities to Bond
To make the transition easier, mix in daily routine activities with fun activities. Here are some suggestions:
- Meal times. This is a great time for family bonding. Help your partner prepare dinner or do something simple like ordering pizza. This will help children get used to the idea of having another adult/future parent around for everyday activities, and it will give you a chance to get to know the kids through table conversation.
- Chores. Doing chores with the family shows that you want to help with the grunt work inherent in family life, and not just be treated like a guest. Service also goes a long way to soften hearts.
- Games and recitals. Going to activities the children participate in shows both your support and your willingness to sacrifice your time for them. No matter how well they are warming up to you, showing you care about them is key.
- One-on-one time. As children get more comfortable with their new situation, try to plan some time when you can get to know them one-on-one. Doing so will help you establish a closer bond. Respect a child’s wishes if they are not yet willing to spend time with you, but continue to invite them.
- Bedtime stories. For younger children, reading to them at bedtime will help them get used to the idea of you being a permanent addition to their home.
- Worship. Being involved in the religious organization that your future family supports can help you establish more commonality. And, like the old adage says,
“The family that prays together, stays together.”
Discuss with the entire family the activities you want to do. Be as consistent as possible in planning these activities; consistency makes children feel more secure. And of course, it would be good to encourage the kids’ participation in the discussions and plans at all times.
Respect Children’s Wishes
In any family activity, respect the wishes of the children as far as how much time they want to spend together. Remember this may vary depending on the age and personality of the child. Teenagers will typically want to spend less time with the family, whether or not a stepparent is present.
Transition Takes Time
Most stepfamilies take two to four years to fully adjust, so don’t worry if the process seems slow. It is wise for future stepparents to get involved slowly at first and increase their involvement as children become more comfortable.
Participating in Current Family Activities
The family you are joining will also have existing rituals they may have been doing for years. It may be difficult to know which ones are okay for you to be involved in. Some traditions are special to children as they might be something they participated in with their biological father. Children may be fine with you joining in some activities, but not in others. Keep communication open so you know what they are comfortable with.
Starting New Family Traditions
As you become familiar with existing family activities or traditions you can participate in, also think about new ones you’d like to establish. Maybe your new family can have a tradition of getting donuts on Saturdays or taking Sunday drives. Or try creating a habit of serving. Volunteering for local organizations is a great way to help others and take the focus off possible tension. This way, too, you can instill some great values into the children.
However you transition into your new family, make sure you are in constant communication with everyone about how they are feeling. A little patience, some hard work, and a lot of communication over time will yield amazing results.
Edson Senna is a freelance writer who enjoys writing about family matters, law, and finance. He sometimes does consulting for Provo attorneys like Dexter Law. Edson is single and enjoys reading and dancing.
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