Rebuilding after a storm is difficult and tough. There are painful memories from the storm, and then the clean-up and rebuilding.
Broken relationships go through the same process. There are difficult circumstances, pain, words and actions that can’t be taken back or erased. Your relationship may appear to be in ruins with no hope. Where do you begin? Can you really pick up the pieces and rebuild?
Where to Start
First, acknowledge that divorce is not the only option; restoring your marriage is possible. It will take a lot of hard work, but hopefully it will be worth it.
Second, it is important to seek professional help as soon as possible – and I’m not talking about a divorce attorney. As soon as you and your spouse reach an impasse, consult a therapist.
A therapist is trained to help couples restore their marriage. He or she will act as a moderator, helping you and your spouse have productive, non-hurtful conversations. A therapist can also help identify the underlying stressors that are having a negative effect on your marriage.
If you aren’t comfortable consulting a therapist, how about a pastoral counselor? A pastoral counselor can offer similar services without the negative stigmata many people associate with therapists.
Third, make your relationship a priority – now. The majority of divorce cases could have been prevented if the couple had sought help early on. Instead, they let their problems, gripes, hurt, unhappiness, and anger fester for too long. After a certain point, restoring a marriage is just too difficult. But if preventative steps were taken earlier on – like seeing a marriage counselor – the relationship can be salvaged.
To save your relationship and rebuild on the foundation you both have together, you will have to first fix the problems and mistakes that got you in troubled water to begin with. These have to be sorted out permanently before there can be any hope of restoration.
Determining Why This Happened
Why did the storm take place in your relationship in the first place? What caused the problems and rifts? If you don’t do a little forensic work as to why the relationship failed in the first place, your second attempt at a relationship will more than likely be doomed to fail.
After diagnosing the problem, you and your spouse need to work it out. As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango. Your marriage problem is not one of your problems – it’s a shared problem you both need to work out and solve. Compromises are necessary and an agreement that is acceptable to both of you will be needed. Be cautious so that resentment does not creep into the picture.
Focus on Rebuilding
The actual rebuilding is the easy part in this whole process. Once you have done the hard, heart wrenching work of finding the root of the problem, you will be able get back on track much easier. If you merely gloss over the problem, expect it to rear its ugly head again soon. The rebuilding aspect is about finding solutions and compromises that will steer you both clear of the original problem.
Don’t Forget Maintenance
Many people treat problems in their relationships like they treat dieting. When people need to lose weight they go on a flash diet to drop the necessary weight, but don’t maintain the diet once they have lost the weight. If the bad eating habits are not taken care of, the fat will just pile back on.
You can make a great effort to get back together and rebuild, but that effort has to continue. Relationships are not fixed with the wave of a magic wand. Rebuilding takes work and effort. Make a plan and stick to it!
Consider investing in some quality self-improvement books on the topic of marriage. This will help keep the relationship on the right track and teach you how to address issues as they arise. For example, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a great place to start.
Address Each New Problem
Don’t fall for the temptation of sweeping things under the rug. Hidden problems and suppressed resentment, anger and hurt will re-surface when difficult circumstances strike.
Is it Ever OK to Consider Divorce?
In the vast majority of instances, restoration should take priority over termination. Too often, people casually dismiss their vows – they put their energy into ending the relationship instead of trying to fix it.
That being said, there are a few instances when divorce might be the better option. For example, various types of abuse could be grounds for terminating the relationship. Incest or other inappropriate sexual acts could likewise lead to divorce.
If a loved one is in harm’s way, action should be taken immediately. In addition to contacting a therapist, these individuals should also connect with a divorce attorney to discuss options. Keeping everyone in the family safe should always be a top priority.
Do the hard work of restoration and rebuilding. You can save your marriage by addressing the problem full on. Use your time of separation wisely and come up with a plan to save your foundation and relationship with your partner. Don’t let yourselves fall back into the same old rut.
Have you and your partner face difficult circumstances? How did you overcome these problems? What barriers stood in the way?
Guest author Jason Habben is a freelance writer. He specializes in topics that pertain to dating and relationships. When he isn’t contributing to other sites, Jason is probably writing dating tips for Do Girls Like Shy Guys? – one of his favorite blogs. Back in the day, he was one of those guys pondering how to ask a girl out. Now, Jason is dispensing the advice!
