I was picking up my 13-year-old, Nathaniel, from school, and as soon as he got into the car, he began powering up his iPod and putting in his earbuds. Immediately, I asked him to hold on a minute to find out about his day. I asked him, “How was school?” and he answered, “Schoolish.” Not exactly the answer I was expecting…
Communication is the most common issue raised when discussing teenagers with adults. The use of good communication skills is always involved when it comes to maintaining good relationships, effective discipline, or setting boundaries. There are several ways to improve communication skills. One of the most powerful tools in a parent’s toolbox is a good question.
Communicate By Asking Questions
With the right question, you can enter your teen’s world and get a greater opportunity to speak into their lives. It works the same way with adults. When someone asks our opinion, we feel valued.
When someone pays attention to our passions and interests, we feel appreciated. Our favorite subject is frequently ourselves! Ask even the most reserved teenager a good question, and you’ll probably find yourself in a sea of conversation.
Ask your teen for their ideas and be collaborative. Let them see you believe in them, and you’re not upset at them for struggling in their life. When you let your teen sees you have faith in their abilities and they have the space to work things out on their own, you will begin to develop true confidence in them.
Don’t ask loaded questions that put your teen on the defensive, like, “Why can’t you get to school on time? Or What’s wrong with you?” Instead, try starting a conversation with, “Do you have any ideas for how you might get to school on time?”
If they say they don’t know, offer a few of your own and ask which one would work for them. Let your teen know their problems are theirs to solve. Don’t be codependent. You are there to help them figure out solutions — and to let them deal with the natural consequences of their behavior.
Your goal is to help your child think for himself, which will, in turn, help him feel as if he has some control over his world. Listen openly to what he says and ask him to think critically about each choice.
What will work, and what will be problematic about each decision? What would be the natural consequences of each choice — and how would he feel about dealing with that?
Good Questions
What is a good question? They are not questions like “How was your day?” or “What were you thinking?” If a question can be answered in a single word, it won’t encourage good communication. If your question is sarcastic, judgmental or embarrassing, chances are your teen won’t even hear it.
Good questions convey a sense of value and relationship. They are a way to move toward your teen by asking what they think and how they feel and giving them the freedom to answer honestly.
Some examples of good questions include:
- What would be one thing I could do for you to make your life better?
- We’re all known for something. What would you like to be known for?
- Do you think the music (or movies, TV shows) you watch or listen to influences you, or is it just an expression of what you feel or what you’re in the mood for?
- What would make school better for you?
- What’s a lesson about the life you’ve learned this week?
- When you hear someone talk about a “real man/real woman”, who comes to mind?
- If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would you choose?
After asking the question, it’s important to keep quiet long enough to hear your teen’s answer. When you hear their answer, just listen, don’t react with anger or disappointment. Remember, your goal is to establish a line of communication. This is more important than chastising or correcting.
Frequently, by just asking questions, you empower your teen to apply the values you have already taught them. Your questions might also encourage your teen to ask questions of you, so be ready to give thoughtful and honest answers!
