I received a question from Adele Cornish and I need your help answering it. Adele is from Down Under and she is an author, speaker, International Blended Family Advisor and founder of The Blended Family Focus Resource and Support Network. She has relied on her social work background to extensively research and address the unique challenges blended families face. Adele has used this knowledge and her experience to develop a program that currently teaches practical skills and strategies to couples worldwide, equipping them to overcome the common obstacles to blended family success. She has appeared on national television (the Good Morning Show in Australia) and radio speaking about blended families, authored a book, written magazine feature articles and regularly runs seminars on this topic. Adele would like your answer to the following question:
Do you and your partner have different rules for each other’s children?
Some couples manage to negotiate and eventually agree on rules/expectations and consequences with their partner however many find this very difficult to say the least. Here’s what one couple has done in this case:
“Due to the fact that our parenting styles differ vastly, I’m strict and my husband is very lenient, we have had to decide to discipline separately. While we will discuss the discipline ultimately the bio parent will discipline the bio child. This has freed us to appreciate each other and love one another with our differences.”
Sometimes parents have one set of rules for their own children while their partner’s children have another. For example, your children might be allowed 1 hour TV per day while your partner’s children catch watch it anytime they like.
If you have tried this approach, would recommend it to others? Please share from your own wisdom and experience in response to Adele’s question.
Also visit her website The Blended Family Focus Resource and Support Network . When you leave your name and email address on her home page you’ll receive the following:
• Free regular tips to help you survive life in a blended family
• Practical help for stepparents, biological parents and children
• Access to a comprehensive personal support program including advice for your specific problems
• Articles and advice on blended family topics including:
* The latest blended family research updates
* How to improve stepparent/child relationships
• The chance to find support from others in a blended family via blogs
Plus she’ll send you her special report “10 Tactics Guaranteed to Transform Your Blended Family.”
We have a blended family with my two bio boys being 13 and 15 and my husband’s two children being 12, a girl, and 10, a boy. We have custody of my two and joint of the other two. We have been married for 2 1/2 years. We have tried it all…and it has been difficult. I am a teacher and so have clear expectations and so we have come to determine that in our house our rules are foundational for our survival. We as adults agree that school, respectful attitudes and honesty and integrity are now non negotiable. Imposing consequences are somewhat trickier because of age and the amount of time we have to impose consequences. We tried having everything equal, but have found we must accept this is impossible and instead look at what we think might be the closest to fair. I can withhold electronics from my boys for weeks at a time if I choose, but my stepchildren go home to a mom who undermines us at every chance and will deprive them of nothing, so the most they go without is 2 days and the sad part is then they are the most repeat offenders and them being at our home always seems to result in a consequence because they do not respect us or our home rules. This is very wearing on my husband because he is getting tired of every other weekend being a confrontation, but he can’t let some of this go because it is WRONG and it sends the wrong message to the other children and they are watching.
Unfortunately, it took a long time for my husband to see the value in swift and stiff consequences that should have happened 2 1/2 years ago. He had a hard time being strong and consistent when they were 7 and 9, now as he tries to regain control, the daughter, 12, has alienated him from visiting during visitation times.
I strongly believe you must set ground rules for your home at once with fair consequences for transgressions and both parents must be consistent from the get go. This will save much heart ache later. Afterall, pay now up front or pay later with interest and believe me, the payback is heartbreaking. You must teach your children respect at an early age or much is lost…
Hi Jennifer
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and well written response. It’s unfortunate your stepchildren’s biomom is not onboard with you and your husband it seems very short sighted because in the end its the kids who are hurt by her negative behavior. I agree with you on the need to establish the ground rules with fair consequences and the need for both parents to be on the same page from the outset. As you noted it easier to loosen reins when they’ve been tight as compared to tightening them after they’ve been loose. It sounds like you’re learning curve was high but you’re on the right track now. Great job! I hope you come back to the website soon.
Gerardo