Stepfathers Perspective on Appreciation

Kifayat Adeyemo wrote the following article for Ezinarticles.

Getting married to someone who already has children can sometimes prove to be very daunting especially if the other person does not have children themselves.

Both men and women sometimes feel they have to prove themselves to the children of their spouse and even if they love them like their own, there is always that bit of doubt.

Kevin is married to Sandra who has 2 children.  Right from the word go, Kevin had told Sandra he would treat the children like his own and he would carry out any responsibility with regards to taking care of the children.

The children seem to have taken to Kevin. They do not really get to see their biological father all the time and the presence of a father figure in the house appears to have brought stability in the house.

One thing that baffles Kevin though is that when the dad of the children makes contact, the children drop everything and behave as if he (Kevin) does not exist. He also thinks the children do not show any form of appreciation for what he does for them. 

Sandra’s ex has a habit of turning up out of the blue with loads of gifts and goodies for the children.

Kevin feels he deserves some acknowledgement and at least some credit. He feels in the eyes of his step children – he is just their mother’s husband and nothing more.

Kevin now feels that probably he should not get as involved in the children’s lives as he has and that he should take a backseat position in the house.

Sandra tries to explain to Kevin the children love him and are not taking him for granted, but he is not convinced.

What can Sandra do?

Sandra would need to assure Kevin he is not being sidelined by the children. The children care for him in their own special way; however they will always acknowledge their dad when he comes around.

Sandra needs to know how to explain to Kevin even though the children may not call him dad, they love him all the same.

They may not even show appreciation for what he does, but they know that if it wasn’t for him (Kevin) they wouldn’t have achieved what they have achieved so far.

She could also give examples of how the children may not show any outward appreciation to her as their mother, but she knows deep down that they are grateful – they are just like any other child out there.

Sandra can talk to the children and ask them to show a bit more of appreciation for what Kevin does for them all. She can explain to them that Kevin does not really need to turn up at their school activities and drop them off to wherever they want to go. Kevin does it because he loves them and once in a while they could let him know that.

---

 Gerardo:  I strongly disagree with the author’s suggestions for Sandra beyond reassuring Kevin of her children’s feelings towards him. To ask Sandra to intercede on Kevin’s behalf with her kids is inappropriate. It places Sandra in the role of a middle man and reinforces the existing lines of communication, i.e. between Sandra and Kevin and between Sandra and her children but it does nothing to encourage the line of communication that is needed between the kids and Kevin.

Additionally, addressing Kevin’s concerns in this way could have the opposite effect intended by planting the seeds of resentment between the kids and Kevin. Also Kevin may have unrealistic expectations about his role as a parent as well as possible resentment toward his step children’s father. Kevin’s stepchildren were in relationship with their Dad before Kevin came in the picture and they may always have a special relationship with their Dad. Kevin would best serve his family by focusing his energies on his relationship and lines of communication with his step children.