A divorce is difficult on everyone involved. Many children feel they are the
victims of a marriage gone bad. To a degree they are right. Children are the ones who have to go back and forth between two homes and listen to two parents who once loved each other argue over the littlest things.
Depending on their age and temperament, some kids are really negatively effected by divorce. It’s tough for them to have a well-adjusted life after their parents split. However, there are ways to give your kids a normal childhood after a divorce and/or remarriage.
Never Bad Mouth the Other Parent (or New Spouse)
You need to keep in mind your child internalizes everything you say and do. Never speak ill of your child’s other parent. Remember, regardless of what happened, there was a time you were in love with your ex too, and your child is a result of the both of you coming together.
If your child hears nothing but negativity about their other parent or their choices (for example, the new spouse), they may begin to feel negatively about themselves as well. After all, they are fifty percent you and fifty percent your ex. Early on you should follow the philosophy of “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
In time, you will hopefully be able to heal and say positive things about your former spouse.
A hostile or negative environment does not allow for a child to have a normal childhood, so focus on positivity and harmony after your divorce.
This provides a nurturing and more normal home life for your child.
Talk About Their Visits
When your child returns from your former spouse’s home, be excited about it (whether you really are or not). Ask questions and really listen to their answers. Ask them what their favorite part of their time spent with their other parent was. Spend some time just talking about the visit.
This helps children get adjusted back into your home by making the transition easier on them. If they feel you are happy about their visit with their other parent, they will realize it is okay for them to be too. Do the same when you are dropping your child off at your former spouse’s house.
Talk about their favorite part of your time together. By finding out what types of things they are doing with your former spouse keeps you updated on their life. Don’t just drop them off and act like the time they spend with your ex doesn’t exist.
This will force the child to have two separate lives – a life with mom and a life with dad. If you openly talk about what your child is doing, no matter which parent they are with, it blends the two lives together, making things seem more normal and less separate.
Hold Business Meetings
It is always important to stay on the same page with your former spouse regarding your children.
Every so often, try to schedule “business meetings” with each other to discuss what is going on in your children’s lives.
This is the time to address any concerns or issues that you or your ex may have about anything relating to your co-parenting situation.
Discuss upcoming doctor’s appointments, school or extracurricular activities, issues you may be having with transitions from one home to another or the role of the new spouse.
Do not go into the meeting to “win” an argument, but to reach mutual decisions regarding the upbringing of your children with your former spouse.
Now, this might not be possible if your divorce didn’t end amicably or mutually. Many divorces are dramatic and messy, and most parents can’t stand to see each other afterward. As time goes on, if you feel you can stand to see your former spouse and work together to co-parent your children, it could be really beneficial for your family. However, this might not be an option until far in the future.
A Brighter Future
Living in two separate households is not easy for children, but it is possible to give your kids a normal childhood after a divorce and remarriage. It just takes some effort and cooperation from everyone involved. No matter how old your children are, the idea of the divorce will be a serious adjustment for them, and the possibility of being split between two homes can be devastating.
On top of that, remarriages can be a tough concept to swallow. When you’re ready to remarry, it is wise to involve your child in the process as much as possible. Let them get to know your future spouse, and get them used to the idea of you marrying someone else long before you actually get married – don’t just spring the news on them.
The key to helping your children become well adjusted after you get a divorce is communication.
Ask about how they feel, explain to them what is going on, and find out what would make them more comfortable with the situation in the future.
Once you open the lines of communication, you can talk things through with your child and help them to have a better chance of having a normal upbringing going forward. Information for this article was provided by professionals of The Family Law Offices of Mark A. Erickson, who deal with divorce and custody cases.
Dixie Somers is a full-time mother and part-time freelance writer and blogger. She has written for many niches, including home, family, finance, and health. She lives in Arizona with her three girls 8, 12 and 14 and husband.
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