The annual revenues of the pornography industry in the U.S. are $13.3 billion. Yes, that’s billion. This figure is more than the combined revenues of:
- the major U.S. sports leagues – National Football League, the National Basketball Association and Major League Baseball;
- the major U.S. television networks – NBC, CBS and ABC;
- the top technology companies – Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple and Netflix.
The making and use of pornography is a world-wide phenomenon, but the U.S. are the world leaders. At the 2002, American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers convention, attorneys present reported that 56% of their recent divorce cases resulted from a spouse’s compulsive Internet porn use. Writer Jason challenges us with pointed questions about the use of pornography within a marriage.
Pornography has become a destructive influence in marriage, as one spouse withdraws attention and affection from the other to spend time indulging in extra-marital fantasies. Is pornography cheating?
Does it count as infidelity, even though no actual physical or emotional connection is made with someone outside of the marriage? How is it different than an actual affair?
Pornography, once confined to the shadows of our society, is now no more than a few mouse clicks away from anyone with an internet connection. At the same time, softer forms of pornography have become “mainstreamed.”
We see it reflected in popular song lyrics, the lurid exhibitionism of “reality TV” and revealing fashions marketed even to young girls.
Fantasy vs. Reality
Fantasy worlds of exaggerated sexuality, populated by idealized men and women indulging their appetites without limit or consequence are not real. Pornography artificially triggers what should normally be natural impulses, almost like a drug.
It can become a habit, an addiction requiring ever higher levels of stimulation. By separating sexual activity from actual people, it depersonalizes intimacy. It degrades the ability or willingness of the porn user to connect and be intimate with a real partner.
Real men and women do not look or behave like porn stars. Sexuality is only a part of who they are. They age and are imperfect. But the richness of who they are is what makes knowing them and building relationships so rewarding. All of this becomes obscured when men and women are objectified by pornography. If you are using pornography, you may be unaware of the damage you are doing to your marriage, or the harm you are doing your partner.
What You’re Hiding Is Usually Wrong
If hiding things from your spouse is dishonest and dangerous to a relationship, what would be the impact of sharing your pornography use with your spouse? Would you be embarrassed to admit to your spouse you derive sexual satisfaction from pornography? What would be his or her reaction? Would your spouse be hurt? Shocked? Embarrassed? Would your spouse approve of you sharing intimacy meant for him or her with a fantasy image?
How different is pornography use from the discreet dinner ‘date’ you have with a co-worker after telling your spouse you would be working late? Or is it any different than a night out at a strip club with the boys, when your wife thinks you’re working overtime?
If you are uncomfortable about these questions or the answers they suggest, then you are being unfaithful. You are living a shadow life of intimacy and affection outside your marriage.
Monogamy, the essential difference between marriage and any other form of relationship, means the exclusive reservation of intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, for one person only. Any violation of this kept hidden to your spouse – even if it ‘only’ involves two-dimensional images on a computer screen or ogling and tipping strippers is little different than sharing your attention and affection with a real person.
About the Author
Jason is a dating expert. Living in London he offers Dating Tips on his website TW-Dating.com .
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