How would you react if your wife told you, “You knew I had kids when you married me.”? Or to hear her say, “If you felt that way you shouldn’t have married a woman with children.”?
Obviously, you’re not stupid. You knew your wife had children and you also knew those children had a dad who isn’t you. These are insensitive remarks made by a wife who doesn’t want to or is unable to sympathize or empathize with what their husband is going through.
It also makes it our fault placing the blame exclusively on us – the husband/stepdad. While at the same time it releases your wife, her ex, their children and everyone else from their share of the problem. These kinds of remarks speak volumes on the regard or lack thereof the wife places on her spouse and marriage.
When you start a new job do you really know what you’re getting yourself into? Sure you interviewed with your new boss and future co-workers and maybe received a tour of the facilities but does that really prepare you for what you’re getting yourself into?
Do you know what the office politics are? Do you know your co-worker is a slug who barely works? Do you know the director is a pompous jerk?
Similarly, you don’t know how your stepchildren or their dad will treat you once you become part of the family.
Yes, we knew she had children but the majority of us didn’t know what it meant to a stepfather. We didn’t know
- Our feelings weren’t going to be validated by anyone but another stepfather,
- We wouldn’t have a voice in our own home when it came to her children and we would be excluded when it came to parenting,
- We would be routinely disrespected, and
- We were going to cause pain for our stepchildren, while trying our best to heal them.
If you’re working at a new job and you call your friend to complain about it would you expect your friend to say, “Well, you knew what you were getting into when you took that job.”? Yet, that is the exact response some stepdads get from their partners.
How do you feel about those comments and how do you handle it?
Don’t take things to heart.
That’s the key to it. Take time and keep patience to handle any worst comment
or situation. After all, being a husband or wife who already has children, is a
tough and bit complex subject. It could be a harder time to deal with it.
Tackle the phase calmly and sensitively.