The following post is a guest submission from my good friend, Cedric Martin, who is both an experienced father and stepfather.
If you are going to effectively guide your son on the path to manhood you’ll need a level of relationship and repoire that goes beyond, “Hi” and “Bye.” Sorry, I don’t use the term stepson he is either yours or he’s not. Most strangers won’t be lead anywhere by another stranger and your son is no different. Invest time to get to know your son, meet him where he’s at. Get involved in what your son is doing, we all like to play – that’s a door into other discussions and dialogs with your son during a fun activity. Your goal is come along side him in his journey to this thing we call manhood. Identify the weaknesses in yourself that are shared by your son. Share situations where you had challenges or currently have challenges in order to get your son’s input. Show your son you trust and value him in your life.
An authoritarian parenting style suggests establishing clearly defined rules with associated rewards and consequences is all that’s needed to help your son achieve manhood but there’s more to being a man than following rules and standards. Leading your son to manhood involves – sharing of your intimate self, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, sharing your joys and disappointments from life. I’ve shared my struggles with my son outlining to him the outcomes of my choices then I explain why I suggest he do this or that. I always remind my son I love him, even if I don’t think he’s feeling me. I express my pride in him being my son. In some cases, I might not reach him, especially if he hasn’t had a man around him; they seem to really have a problem with straight talk with another a man. I look for opportunities to help/encourage and win his trust, because it really boils down to it’s a “relationship”. Set goals, encourage with love and discipline with love. Let them know the life you live is one they can accomplish and even surpass.
If there’s an overprotective mom in the way of her boy’s path to manhood, recognize that’s not his fault. Outside of your relationship with your son, you have to set ground rules with the mom. I start with where do you want him to be or what kind of man do you want him to be? What’s going to get him there? More toys or hard work? Give him most of what he wants or let him earn things? That usually starts a great argument… but also some good thoughts to exchange.
An excellent resource for raising son’s is the book by Doctor James Dobson, Bringing Up Boys . Click here or click on the icon to learn more.
Cedric challenged my thinking shortly after I met the Pretty Lady and learned she had children. At the time I was reluctant to get involved with a woman with children. Cedric challenged the basis of my reluctance by asking me the right questions. Thanks to Cedric I was able to change my thinking and the Pretty Lady and I eventually married and we became a blended family. Over the years Cedric and I have developed a friendship where we share the challenges we faced in our families and marriages. He has given me numerous insights I wouldn’t have had otherwise. A man needs a relationship with another man in order to grow and have someone he can be accountable to.
I feel Cedric made profound point about asking the mother of your stepson, “What kind of man do you want him to be?” and “What action will it take to get him to be the man you want?”. It encourages even the most protective mom to consider the effects of her behavior as to what kind of man her son will grow up to be. A stepfather can only be effective in leading his stepson to manhood as the boy’s mother allows him to be.